ABC MEMO
Date: Friday September 8, 2006
To: Iger. R.
From: Claypool. D
Sorry Bob - it seems that we were sold a bill of goods by some rightwing nuts who still haven't forgiven Clinton for getting some action while he was in the White House! Horny dog huh?! And I guess they were hoping this mini-series might help head off the Dems winning control of Congress in the mid-terms. Subpoena power would be kinda inconvenient for Bush and the GOP.
(While I'm on the page how 'bout a new weekly drama called "Subpoena"?! Keep it serious and classy. We could team Erik Estrada with Susan Lucci and cover all the key demos. Well - I'm just spitballing...)
Anyway - we should have kept a better eye on this one - but between "Dancing With The Stars" and "Desperate Housewives" all our senior execs with experience of handling serious matters were tied up.
We're in the shitter now. If we pull the show like CBS did with that "Reagans" drama we'll be accused of caving to liberal pressure. And if the Republicans end up holding on to Congress - there go our theme park subsidies...
Here's the solution. We take a leaf from that Fox News slogan "Fair And Balanced." Add something slightly tough on Bush. Then it all balances out! Brilliant huh?! We can shoot a new scene tomorrow morning. I got the guy who impersonates Bush on Jay Leno on standby. We can have it shot, edited and inserted by Sunday morning.
I had one of the new staff writers from "All My Children" write this last night. Took him over 15 minutes! (Boy! These youngsters are slow!) But I think it works. It will balance out all the fake stuff about Clinton nicely.
Hang tough Bob!
ADDITIONAL SCENE FOR "THE PATH TO 9/11"
Interior Bush ranch in Crawford, Texas
Caption: August 6th 2001
We see President Bush in short-sleeved shirt eating his breakfast of grilled dove and grits (please double-check this with someone from Texas). Chief of Staff Andy Card enters clutching some papers...
George W. Bush: Mornin' Wazzup today Cardie?
Andy Card: Good morning sir. New PDB this morning Mr. President.
Bush: Run that by me one more time?
Card: The Presidential Daily Briefing sir. It includes the latest intelligence reports
Bush: Course it does! Jes' foolin' with ya! Anythin' to worry 'bout Andy-Pandy?
Card: Well there is one troubling item sir...
Bush: Shoot! I'm on muh vacation! I been workin' hard for 5 straight weeks! An' now you got me rehearsin' this speech on Stem Sales...
Card: Stem CELLS sir...
Bush: Thas wha' I said. How much those muthas sell for anyway? Some of 'em sperm banks must be wrackin' up the ol' spondoolies!
Card: Well your policy is to STOP them selling them sir and in fact...
Bush: Well why don' we call my initiative "No More Stem Sales" - that would do it!
Card: If I may draw your attention to this PDB Mr. President...
Bush: Jeez! What's a guy gotta do to git some rest?! OK big boy - run it by me...
Card: Well there's a briefing titled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike Inside the US" that I think you should...
Bush: Those friggin' foreign union boys. Always goin' on strike. Always gripin' about somethin'. Why can't they jes' have their strikes in their overseas factories...
Card: Well actually sir...
Bush: I mean these "Bin" guys - what are they makin' anyway? Probably some nice li'l sneakers for kids with the Kathy Lee label on 'em. They're pulling down 14¢ an hour in Taiwan - what more do they....
Card: No sir - it's not that kind of strike...
Bush: Oh don't be goin' Mr. Softee on me Cardie! A strike's a strike. Ol' Ronnie Reagan had the right idea with the air traffic controllers... Fire the bastards. Cushiest job in the world. Anyone could do that. All those predictions 'bout what would happen if they fired 'em - about air traffic controllers havin' problems in an emergency... Bullcrap Andy!
Card; Yes sir. But...
Bush: Got to stand up to these bullies. Let the bastards strike! After the strike has started we'll see which side the public's on....
Card: But Mr. President...
Bush: That'll do fo' now Cardie. Gotta go clear some brush. Call Fleisher-boy an' tell him to get those lazy press dudes outta bed. Let 'em film me doin' something manly...
Cross fade to skyline of New York City on September 11th 2001....