"Unhurried, uninterrupted time is essential for creativity." I read this one sentence in Kelly Diels' essay Women, Work, Creativity, Leisure and Time. Because Time is a Feminist Issue and was struck. I sat back in my chair and took a nice, long, not-so-cathartic sigh. The release of my breath in this moment was me finally acknowledging that my life sometimes feels a bit out of control as I try and juggle the balance of personal and professional, of motherhood and work, of being a wife and being something of my own as yet untitled role, but one that includes: an author, a professor, business owner, triathlete, military spouse, and mama ---- what would that “role” be called, exactly?
I kept rolling that phrase over and over in my head: unhurried, uninterrupted time. This is, evidently, essential for creativity. And this is, precisely, what I do not have.
I mean, holy hell, I sometimes feel I do not even know what these things - uninterrupted time??- even look like anymore.
My life usually feels like a series of to-do lists and I often feel like I jump from one to another without completion, on most days.
And let me be crystal clear --- I AM organized.
I mean, I am Type A organized.
And I want to be creative and balance life and work and passion - and there was a time when I could do so (though I would argue it was not necessarily a time I felt particularly fulfilled).
And I want to run and write and build a business of my own and put my doctorate to good use and play with our toddler and keep my house pretty organized and, oh yeah, go into work every day as a full-time educator and educational consultant.
And I will keep striving to do all of this, but am coming to realize that I am not alone in my soul-aching yearn for chunks of uninterrupted time to devote to some of my most intellectually stimulating professional aspirations.
And, any naysayers in the lot of you, this is NOT to say I am not enjoying all the moments of work, of mommy-hood, and of domesticity that yes, I HAVE chosen...I am, and I do, but this, what I'm talking about here, THIS is different.
I can already imagine the torrent of arguments to my conundrum, about the state of my life as it currently stands.
That I am a whiny mother who is unable to juggle all the balls I have in the air and that if I could just do that better, then all of this would not be a problem, would not pose a challenge for me.
That I'm lazy and instead of napping with my adorably, snuggly toddler, I should get up and get to work on all this "stuff" I say I want to be doing.
That I gave up any claims on leisure time (another thing I don’t have) to spark my creative juices again once I decided to become a mother.
That I need to choose - between personal and professional, between life outside my home and life at home.
That I’m trying to do too much and that, as a mother or a professional, I must choose…
I hear your critique, but I respectfully disagree with your snarky assessment of my life.
I am confident I am neither whiny nor lazy and I feel pretty certain that I am not anywhere close to having to choose between all of the incredibly rewarding parts of my life. What I am currently struggling with, however, is the preponderance of women who are in my same situation and why we are constantly faced with what seems like a tug-o-war. And, I'm thinking how I can figure out how to shift the balance so that I am finding the time to do what I need AND what I love, without feeling guilty about either.
There’s a lot of “self help” hype out there that suggests that to find more time in your day you need to know what you are doing at all parts of your day; you should keep a log, they say, in order to really refine the places in your day where you are wasting time. I do not know how to “fix a system” that makes women, mothers, professionals, feel like they must choose between their busy lives and their families but I know what I don't need, what doesn't work for me. I do not need to make a list of everything that I do in a day or an hour.
I know that will not work for me.
That, actually, will be the biggest waste of time for me - ever. In the amount of time I could spend analyzing the time I spend on things, I could be actually doing some of those things. I can also tell you that my spare time, my leisure time doesn’t come in large swaths but in small spurts, that give me a few extra minutes to breathe, or meditate, or take a shower, or go to the bathroom by myself. They don’t give me time to sit leisurely and enjoy a hot cup of coffee and write for an hour. That’s not what my extra time looks like. I’m sure I’m not the only one who can relate to this.
A friend did say something recently that did strike a chord with me, however. She suggested that she is going to start doing things that take less than 10 minutes, immediately -- not wait or put them off. I put these little ten minute things off often, so I thought, this might be a good place to start.
So I tried it.
At work and at home. It mostly worked. I feel like those pesky little things like washing out my morning shake bottle, or emptying the dishwasher, or going through the daily mail (to be fair, I have a PILE of mail sitting there from before I started this, so, there's that), or picking up our toddler's toys. Yes, when I did those things right away, it felt good and it did feel like I had more time at the end of my day to spend on doing some of the bigger, longer items on my to do list.
But all of this, I realize, has not gotten me to the crux of my problem. How do I get time for creativity? Where do I build that into my day? Am I missing something on how to balance all of these roles, experiences and needs in my life?
I think not.
I love that Diels processes her thinking with us from the perspective of a busy, working mother of several busy small children and that she shares her conclusion (and one I share) that “lack of time is not a personal failing. It’s a feminist issue”. I agree - women bear a burden that has been unacknowledged for too long, but I also feel like we put that burden on ourselves some too - by not acknowledging it ourselves, for not pushing back against it.
I think what I've come to realize is that creativity in my life right now might just look different than it did ten or even five years ago. Creativity is playing on the floor with my daughter, or watching her color and practice her letters, or looking at the different leaves or flowers when we go for a walk, or finishing up a draft of a chapter I'm writing, or even making a great dinner for my family!
Creativity doesn't have to be, for me, pigeonholed into "creating something new".
Creativity is how I look at the world, how sometimes I am able to look at the world through my three-year old's eyes, and how sometimes I am looking at the world as it is – and accepting my life for what it is.
One that is crazy.
And busy.
And so much more rewarding than I could have ever imagined.
And, there will come a time again when I have large swaths of uninterrupted time to write or paint or learn to play the guitar (finally, geez, it's only been sitting in the garage for years!).
For now, I am going to be content in accepting the small, short bursts of time that I do get to myself. In those small chunks of time when I might have watched some television or would have tried to accomplish ten things that remained on my perpetual to-do list, I'm going take that time back for myself, to slow down and enjoy the moment. I’m going to set a goal for myself IN that moment - even if it’s just to be present and enjoy the moment - and hope to accomplish it before the next interruption. For the foreseeable future anyway, I’m going to commit to letting go a little bit more and seeing where this altered definition of creativity can take me!