Accepting Change: Letting Yourself Fall in the Flow of Your Life (Part II)

I am dedicated to making this happen and to getting my body back into top shape. With the start of Spring, I plan to go back to getting in my daily 10,000 steps. Looking forward to jogging again. And to not put off the things I want to do the most. Life matters.
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silhouette of a woman lifting her hands in worship, in a meadow at sunset.
silhouette of a woman lifting her hands in worship, in a meadow at sunset.

Live. Life. Now! Three words shared by me on Facebook and Twitter during the past couple of years, but it took until my accident for me to really appreciate their meaning. I encourage my friends and family to live each day to it's fullest. I encourage everyone to enjoy the moments they have, since in the end, it is how we use the moments we have, which matter most.

Looking at the calendar today is almost four months since my first update about dealing with the effects of my seizure in October 2014. Back in November, when I first wrote about this experience, I was living in pain and living on Oxycodone. Because of the Oxy, I have very blurry memories from the first few weeks of November until the time I was able to shift my pain management to ibuprofen. But with the ibuprofen came the need to eat whenever I was taking my prescription which added a late night snack to my meal plan. I attribute some of my weight gain during my recovery because of my increase in food consumption without any offsetting exercise. The fact that my life had been more or less on hold since Oct 28th was no fun. That moment when you move from living independently to being dependent on someone is very humbling.

Instagram became the platform I shared and continue to share my recovery and my life journey. It provided a periscope into my daily life and helped me document the food I was eating, my Sunsets and places I was visiting and work that I was and was not doing. Sometimes it is what is not said or shared that can speak the loudest. Looking back at my posts, one thing which was missing was my daily stepping and commitment to exercise.

From the moment I woke up in the ambulance and in pain on the afternoon of October 28th, I had no idea what was happening next. I had no road map or expectations. I trusted everyone who I was around and I am forever grateful for the kindness my friends in Israel shared with me during the early stages of my recovery. The love I felt, I hope to be able to share back one day.

I had no idea that I would end up wearing a sling for 10 weeks or the impact that the immobilization of my arm would have on my body. I had no idea I would end up sleeping in a chair in my mom's living room for 3 months. Ok, some nights it was the couch. Not because I was "couch surfing" but because I was just that uncomfortable being in a bed. Even as the days got better, the nights were hard. At times, real hard. I was sleep challenged. I only started trying to sleep in a bed towards the end of January and at the time I am writing this, I am still not able to sleep on my stomach. I effectively moved into the living room of my mom's house and gave up my privacy. Surreal on some levels and under different circumstances could have been a great setup for a new kind of situation comedy. But there wasn't any laugh track and I'm not going there today.

The mobility in my right shoulder is slowly returning. I have had over 40 physical therapy sessions and I am still limited in what I can do and how I can move my right arm. The pain I experience these days is usually limited to the hours after physical therapy. And I know the pain is part of the healing process.

The return of mobility in my shoulder has been a series of small positive experiences. I was very excited the day I could tie my sneakers again. And the day I realized I could button my shirt as well as the day I was able to put on a shirt over my head again on my own. Just crazy how we don't appreciate something until it is taken away from us.

One of the things I missed a lot during my recovery was my ability to focus. I totally underestimated the effects pain would have on my ability to get things done. Turns out that prolonged pain got in the way of me replying to emails and being online. While I opened many emails, if I felt any pain when I was composing my reply, I just moved on and didn't look back. I missed being on top of my flow. So I never did write a book during my recovery. I did not do a lot of binge watching of television shows. And I wrote very few blog posts. I was living a distracted life and at times got distracted from my distractions.

So after "outsourcing" 120+ pounds during the past two years, how do you not gain weight and end up needing to restart your weight loss journey on top of recovering from shoulder surgery? How do you let go and just heal and not worry about the weight? And then one day wake up and care greatly about it? And what about living? And being? How and when do you get to rejoin your life Interrupted?

The one thing I missed more than anything was the amazing feeling I had after a great workout. It took me three and a half months before I could feel the absolute joy from sweating from my workouts again.

Totally surreal to me. All of this. In the Summer of 2012 I had changed my life and then in October, 2014 my life changed me. And at times during my recovery, I felt lucky to be alive. I am grateful for the love shared and given to me from my family and friends. I was never alone during any part of my recovery. But as someone proud for "outsourcing 120+ pounds" I was a bit embarrassed to tell my doctor I gained 25 pounds. I never expected to go up a pants size or that my shirts would get tight on me. I just wasn't prepared for this.

But gradually the pain goes away. Gradually the excuses fade away. And you are faced with facing life again.

And then one day in February I made the transition from being what felt like a couch potato and started to work out again. I was trading texts with my trainer Zoltan and then I took that step and went back to the gym. After my first session my body was re-energized. And I knew I was ready to reboot myself once again. I was ready to train again. I found my flow once again.

So I gained 25 pounds during my recovery. I was eating mostly healthy foods, but too much at times. Eating without meaning and falling into bad habits. Then you just need to restart and reboot and start fresh. No memory of yesterday and no excuses for today. I take one meal at a time and try my best to eat right. To do the right thing. And eat smart snacks. And if I fail, I try again with my next meal. I know I know how to do this. And I will.

I am grateful for many things, including being in the best physical shape of my life before having the seizure. I can not imagine how my physical recovery would have been if I wasn't in such good shape or how I would have dealt with the trauma my body experienced during the seizure.

I am grateful I was able to spend the Winter of 2015 living in my Mom's home. My hope is to return to my own apartment before the start of Spring. I have started training again with my friend Zoltan and I hope to be able to get back into the shape I was in before the Summer of 2015.

I have started engaging in activities to rebalance my flow. I am especially excited about co-hosting and producing the "Gratitude and Trust Summit" on June 24th in New York City together with Paul Williams and Tracey Jackson. I am grateful for the opportunity to be part of this. This project has already helped me focus and I am looking forward to gathering my friends to share a great experience.

I am back to feeling positive again. And I am confident I will be able to get my mobility entirely back. It may take some time, but it will all come back. I am dedicated to making this happen and to getting my body back into top shape. With the start of Spring, I plan to go back to getting in my daily 10,000 steps. Looking forward to jogging again. And to not put off the things I want to do the most. Life matters.

I will, "Live, Life, Now!" I hope you consider doing the same.

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