COMEDY

Actual Strategies From A Leaked GOP Memo -- We Didn't Make These Up

There are retired NASA rovers less out of touch.

The Washington Post obtained a private memo from the National Republican Senatorial Committee which details campaign strategies should Donald Trump be chosen as the Republican presidential nominee.

To call them out of touch would be putting it mildly. This is real. Your pet probably does a better human impression.

  • "Candidates shouldn't go near [Trump's comments on women] other than to say your wife or daughter is offended by what Trump said."
    Some humans would, but don't think that you need to defend the women in your life! 
    Helder Almeida via Getty Images
    Some humans would, but don't think that you need to defend the women in your life! 
  • "Hold sessions where you listen to people and capture audio and video of them discussing their real world problems."
    Humans have things they want! Listen to what humans want!
    tetmc via Getty Images
    Humans have things they want! Listen to what humans want!
  • "Lose the suit ... Tell your communications and media teams to up the vibe and change the look."
    Humans often dress in&nbsp;<i>not</i>&nbsp;suits! So try dressing in <i>not</i> a suit!
    Roy Hsu via Getty Images
    Humans often dress in not suits! So try dressing in not a suit!
  • "Voters are onto you when you do the standard walk and talk through a business, school, or factory."
    Humans will trust you&nbsp;more if you don't walk and talk in certain places!
    JLP/Jose Luis Pelaez/Fuse via Getty Images
    Humans will trust you more if you don't walk and talk in certain places!
  • "Try a new look and have business owners, constituents, family members, and workers talk about you."
    If humans don't want one thing, consider doing something else!
    Michaela Begsteiger via Getty Images
    If humans don't want one thing, consider doing something else!
  • "[Featuring real people] protects you from opposition attacks since real world people are talking about real world things you did for them."
    Humans are human!
    TommL via Getty Images
    Humans are human!
  • "Consider doing some of the jobs the workers do in the machine shops, small businesses, and factories you visit. Have the employee show you what they do and then try to do it."
    If you can do human jobs, humans will think you're human!
    Jupiterimages via Getty Images
    If you can do human jobs, humans will think you're human!
  • "Feature candidates working on an old engine, and note how sometimes you have to do a complete overhaul to get things working."
    Engines make things go! Fixing an engine will show that you can also make things go!
    Steve Mason via Getty Images
    Engines make things go! Fixing an engine will show that you can also make things go!
  • "Have a constituent or citizen talking about the candidate cleaning up the mess in Washington as the candidate participates in a street cleaning."
    Humans like clean things! Show them you'll clean up their things!
    Dave & Les Jacobs via Getty Images
    Humans like clean things! Show them you'll clean up their things!
  • "Consider featuring a candidate in a field ripping up a rotten tree stump so the field can be cleared and planting can be done."
    Humans will think you're "down to earth" the closer you are to the actual&nbsp;earth!
    Aaron MCcoy via Getty Images
    Humans will think you're "down to earth" the closer you are to the actual earth!
  • "Sell optimism."
    Be a positive human! Other humans like that!
    Jupiterimages via Getty Images
    Be a positive human! Other humans like that!

**We used mostly photos of white dudes because we thought that would be more relatable for Republicans running for office.**

 

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