Trump selling national parks
President Trump recently decided to sell 90% of two national monuments for development, saying, “Together, we will usher in a bright new future of wonder and wealth.” Yet environmentalists and Native American groups argue that the plan will destroy important natural and cultural monuments, including graves, ancient cliff dwellings and carvings. Republicans are also currently hunting for ways to cover the costs of their massive corporate tax cuts.
To further these efforts to “Make America Great Again,” and raise such funds, here are some similar modest proposals that follow logically from Republicans’ current policies, that they will certainly want to pursue, if they haven’t already.
New York City’s Central Park is an infamous scene of crimes, including murder and rape, and costs millions to maintain and police. The park blocks streets and avenues, adding to traffic congestion. Joggers use the park but often injure their knees and other joints, increasing health-care costs.
Hence, to eliminate these problems and raise revenue, why not sell for development 90% of this park, too? The land includes bridal paths no longer used by horses. Ponds, lakes, lawns and trees serve no function and require upkeep. Many of the trees are old and large, and can be sold as lumber, increasing revenue.
GOP leaders can retain the 10% of the park most visited by tourists from red states, 59th to 64th Streets. The remaining streets, used by others, over three avenues, constitute 138 blocks, on each of which two buildings of 100 stories each could easily be erected. The lower apartments, which will lack any direct sunlight, can be sold for as little as $1 million each, to poor people. The wealthy will thereby be subsidizing the poor, as evidence of trickle-down economics.
The liberal fake news media may argue that trees and grass produce oxygen, but we already have enough oxygen in the country. Moreover, despite these trees and grass, many people die from lack of oxygen, raising questions about the theory that plants produce oxygen.
Obstructionist Democrats may complain about the loss of beauty, but the buildings themselves will be truly beautiful, with big shiny gold letters announcing each edifice’s name and number.
Liberals might argue that the park is important to allow people to exercise, but joggers frequently injure themselves. Republicans could also include in-door gyms in each building for the residents, and even give the poor on lower floors free memberships, as further evidence of the trickle-down.
Public beaches in the country lead to higher rates of skin cancer (increasing health care costs) drowning (requiring high costs of life guards) and shark attacks, and promote near-nudity, further increasing risks of skin cancer and sex. Hence, let’s sell 90% for development for high-rise condos.
In the middle of downtown Philadelphia sits a large unused tract of land that can also be sold for development. Most of the land, Independence Mall, is empty and the rest has only a few old, low-lying structures. One building houses only a broken bell that hasn't worked for 200 years. At one end of the land squats an old brick building containing only two rooms -- Independence Hall. We can keep the façade, if necessary, but incorporate it into a shiny 100-story building.
The Smithsonian Institution takes up 12 blocks and costs millions to maintain but generates no revenue. One museum claims to be devoted to natural history, but discusses theories of evolution without equally presenting evidence supporting creationism, Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. We can sell the land for development and, if necessary, condense the museums into one building. An old painting by a dead, foreign homosexual artist recently sold for $450 million. One museum houses many similarly old paintings that we can sell, and replace with reproductions. Reproductions have been successfully used at Mar-A-Lago, for instance, and no one has ever complained.
An old, empty, very thin windowless building sits surrounded by much unused land In the middle of Washington, using valuable land. Why not replace this structure, the Washington Monument, with a bigger, upgraded 100-story tower with a rooftop-viewing platform and revolving restaurant for tourists? Entrance fees can vary by the visitor’s home location: $20 for red states, $30 for blue states, and $40 for foreigners (including any Mexicans and Muslims born here).
On the highest point in downtown Washington, DC, squats an outdated hollow structure, called the Capitol, with a big empty dome, maintained at taxpayer expense, and taking up expensive real estate. Yet no buildings in Washington D.C. can be higher than this structure, blocking development and wealth. Hence, the land can be sold and the building replaced with something truly big and beautiful -- a large hotel, condo and conference center tower. Republicans can also rent out modern conference rooms, at a profit, to Congress for its meetings. The towers will have amazing views, and wealthy Russians and Saudis would eagerly buy condos at this prestigious address, which can be rebranded The Trump Capitol Hill.
The White House is also outmoded. The two people supposed to live there often don’t do so. Hence, we can develop it into a luxury hotel, and rent the Presidential Suite out for four-year leases. A Russian friend is ready to move in.
These and other such plans can further Republican successes thus far in Making America Great Again.