Aging, like any other life transition, can be challenging and arduous. What distinguishes aging is that it is permanent, ending in death. While other life transitions such as adolescence, getting a job or starting a family typically end and move into a new cycle of life. They also receive some form of cultural support. Aging, is predominately viewed as unfortunate. The cultural edict sounds like: You can stop working, play golf, drink martinis and stay out of the way. We see an aging body weighed down by gravity, leaving an aftermath of sags and wrinkles, much the way we see a body contorted by Cerebal Palsey. As we age we encounter a much-dreaded fragility and mortality, two unwelcome guests. Consequently, aging becomes a counter-cultural endeavor, as we receive neither encouragement nor guidance. However, we can learn to live aging as something larger than unfortunate. It is truly unfortunate to believe that being adept at aging happens when we are old.
It Happens Now
"The Elders are those who found threads of purpose and meaning amidst the illusions and delusions of life." (Michael Meade) Elders who are adept at aging were willing to wake-up along the way. At any age we can begin to doubt, be curious and challenge the sanctity of the beliefs and values given to us. However, such a task involves a possible separation from family and culture, facing the challenge of standing alone and experiencing the vulnerability of popping the ego-balloon filled with the air of alleged certainty.
Let's look at some of the illusions and delusions we might need to let go of in order to find our way into aging.
•"I'm invincible." The ego is eager to secure its sovereignty. However, remaining on such a quest inhibits three vital sources of empowerment:
1) It becomes difficult to experience dependency without shame. Needing someone is deemed a failure. The rejection of dependency leads to unnecessary time being lost and in denial of it, and the delayed acquisition of needed life skills.
2) Denial of limits easily becomes a normal pattern leading to a life permeated with pretense.
3) Enamored with its own inflation, it's difficult to know the gratitude, joy and sense of belonging associated with receiving help.
•"Life can easily be conquered." The ego is determined to live life on its terms and not on life's terms. This can be a dangerous delusion. An ancient definition of the word fate (people, places and things) is the will of the gods. We place ourselves in potential jeopardy when we have our wills larger than the will of the gods. The typical price for not living life on life's terms is unnecessary failure, frustration, anxiety and depression. Knowing how to surrender to fate allows us to direct our attention and energy toward whatever is in our control and possibly interrupt an evolving cynicism.
Aging involves the inevitable degeneration of our bodies and/or our mental faculties. Such loss is our fate. If we have not been fighting with fate throughout the years, then we would have likely cultivated a deep capacity for acceptance, which tends to engender serenity. When we learn how to specifically accept loss, there is a natural inclination to be curious about what takes the place of that which is lost. Could it be that a loss of physical endurance and strength may be replaced by a greater appreciation of the simplicities of life. When rushing about subsides; there may be an ease that drops us into the moment more. Facing the losses that accompany aging will still take courage, a courage likely softened by a gratitude for having had the opportunity to having lived our heart's desire. Living with integrity would have replaced misguided attempts at conquering life.
• "Suffering is simply unfortunate." This illusion condemns us to feeling forever victimized, locking us into an adversarial relationship with life. The outcome is the despair predicted by Erik Erikson. An old definition of the word suffering is endurance. Where there is endurance, there is fortitude, resiliency and tenacity. When we are ready to stop seeing ourselves as victims of life, we can then summon bringing meaning to our suffering. The meaning making begins by receiving care from a viable support system and remaining curious: Is this suffering asking me to slow down and live in the present more? Am I being asked to learn how to solicit help and support? Am I being called to reevaluate my attachment to ambition? Has this suffering occurred because of a denial of my limits? Is this suffering asking for more mindfulness regarding self-neglect? Can this suffering assist me in living life on life's terms? Is any tendency toward arrogance and hubris diminished because of this suffering?
•"Life is about getting a lot and doing a lot." This is the voice of an ambitious, adolescent consumer. Regardless of the context, the imperative of getting a lot is an impediment to our gifts contributing to the sustainability of life. Our life and our death fall prey to emptiness when we don't get that somehow our life's purpose was to provide some measure of service. Doing a lot is a way to avoid being in the here and now and is likely about running away from something. We never out-run the demon determined to catch up with us. It may be a past loss, broken heart, some form of prior abuse or some act we have yet to forgive ourselves for. When frenetic energy results in the loss of the moment, our life is also lost. We move about with diminished mindfulness, freedom and love accompanied by exhaustion.
• "Life is a game. You play to win." This ego pronouncement keeps us deluded about the true nature of life. We remain strangers to our own lived experience. Indigenous Initiation Rituals are often referred to as the Initiation into the Mysterium Tremendum (Great Mystery). Becoming adept at aging greatly depends upon the willingness to get honest about being the ones traveling such a journey. Following such honesty, we will need to remain curious about what it takes to manage the journey.
• "Dying is a failure." This is the most absurd endorsement of our culture. If the end is shrouded in despair and cynicism, it won't be because dying is failing; it will be because it was an unlived life. Death has meaning when we have accepted the responsibility to be a steward for some expression of well-being. If we believe we have served well, then the end means we step into another of life's great mysteries.
Getting adept at aging is hard work. There are numerous seductive illusions, all aimed at bringing temporary comfort to an ego struggling to live life on its own terms. If we are willing to wake up along the way, coming into deeper mindfulness about life and about ourselves, we might gradually make peace with the journey, which includes aging. We might even be able to bring youthfulness to old age characterized by joy, curiosity, playfulness, an adventurous spirit and gratitude for the chance to be on such a journey.