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Because my answers are a little lengthy, let's get right to this week's questions...
(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)
I'm a 23 year old female. I was raised in a very religious home, and only after going to work at a popular clothing store that caters to a younger crowd have I come to be around people who have opened my eyes that sex is not such a taboo subject. I have only had sex with one person, and I hope to have casual sex with a certain number more in the coming months and years. The problem is, I don't want to complicate my relationship with my guy friends, I find bars and social networking sites creepy and dangerous, and the people at church all feel the way that I used to on the topic of sex. Even if I sleep with a guy on my adult kickball team, it could make waves in my life. What should I do?
--Future Love Muffin; Grapevine, TX
If you're asking for tips on getting laid, you've probably come to the wrong place. As a single guy, Leonardo DiCaprio I was not. I struggled to get second dates, and the ones I did go on often ended in handshake. And not the fun kind.
What I can tell you is that there's virtually no way to have sex with someone without complicating the situation. No matter who you sleep with, be it the guy from your kickball team or a player to be named later, sex will change the dynamic. It just will. If nothing else, you'll be different because of it, even if by only a little, and even if you never see the guy again. There's a reason why people can recall their personal "number" quicker than they can recall their mother's birthdate.
There are varying views on casual sex, and they all should be respected. Personally, I don't have a problem with it. It's not my business. If you're a consenting adult, what you choose to do is up to you. All that I ask is that you be responsible about it, and that you're capable of handling any consequences. Because there are potential consequences, be it pregnancy, disease or an emotional fallout. Of course, my stance on this is subject to change should I ever have a daughter.
That said, I'm wondering if, on some level, your desire for stockpiling bedpost notches is a form of rebellion against your religious childhood. It would make sense. You grew up sheltered, and you were taught that a particular behavior was bad -- then you discovered that behavior to be anything but. A whole new world has opened, and you're eager to experience it. I get it.
But I'd caution against seeking out guys solely for sex.
I will now pause 5.98 seconds to allow the single men of Grapevine, TX, to react to the previous sentence:
Credit: www.Gifrific.com
Instead, I'd focus on meeting guys you like, guys you enjoy being around. They don't have to be a potential husband or even a potential date, they just need to be guys you trust and who respect you. You can meet them through mutual friends, or at work (depending on your company's HR policy), or on a rival kickball team, or any other social setting. Given the success stories among my friends, I'd also reconsider your stance on online dating sites.
Sex is a byproduct of being with the right person at the right time. Put yourself in enough positive situations, and it'll happen if you want it to.
I am in a text roleplay with various other people, which I am quite enjoying. However, the main game-master has relentlessly abused his power, creating a group of unhittable, indestructible, omnipotent characters. In addition to being unstoppable, these characters also constantly spout rhetoric about the evils of free will and the purity of chaos. I want to approach him about stopping, but I would like to know if you have any suggestions as to how to do it.
--Zeliak-Ian-El; Somewhere in the U.S.
While I'm unfamiliar with role-playing games, I'm all too familiar with people who overstep their bounds. We all are. Whether it's a workplace nemesis or an out-of-line friend, we've all felt the need to confront someone. And regardless of setting, the rules of engagement are the same.
Because, I'm assuming, your communication with this person is text-based, that's how I'd keep it. Write him a message. This is always my preferred method, at least initially. My thoughts are more scrambled than eggs, and writing allows me to try out different ways to say things before I have to say them.
I'd also make sure to contact him directly. Can you send a private message? While you're probably not the only one who's having these problems, and others are likely dying for someone to speak up, it'd be wise to not call him out in front of the group. Not yet, anyway. You don't want to gang up on him, and you don't want to put him on the defensive -- which will get you nowhere, or someplace worse.
As for what to include in the message, think about the issues you mentioned in your submission above, then ask yourself the quintessential therapy question: How does all that make you feel? How do you feel when he abuses his power? How do you feel when his characters spout offensive rhetoric?
Your answers to those questions are what you want to write in the message. And as insignificant as it sounds, you want to avoid the word "You" as much as possible. "You" is accusatory. "You do this," and "You do that." People don't hear that very well. "You unfairly created these unstoppable characters," sounds better as, "I feel it's unfair that unstoppable characters have been created."
This shifts the focus from his mistakes to your feelings. And by focusing on your feelings, there's a better chance he'll read it as constructive concern as opposed to a personal attack.
You both enjoy this game and want it to continue, so you share a common goal. The more that's made clear to him, the more likely he'll be open to your thoughts.
And if that doesn't work, can you rally the other players, stage a coup and overthrow his free-will-hating ass?
NEXT WEEK: I miss my ex; My fiance is emotionally distant...
To send in a question, please complete this short Google form. All submissions are anonymous, even to the author.