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Last Friday's column was heavy, and in that sense, today's installment picks up where that one left off.
When I get questions like these, I can't help feeling overwhelmed, even incompetent. How can I possibly help this person?
But after sidestepping that initial roadblock, I begin to feel humbled, which eventually transforms to determination. While I might not write a word that rings true, I'm honored that anyone would be willing to give me the chance to make their horrific situation just a little bit better.
So thank you. It's not a responsibility I take lightly.
(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)
I was sexually abused by my brother and father. I live with them (though I have lived alone and it didn't work out) and my brother always tries to intimidate/harass/deliberately provoke me. I don't want to talk to him even if he asks me a simple question. I don't want to say hi to him either; he talks to me but I don't want to talk to him. He just doesn't understand the meaning of no. What's the best way of not being harassed into talking to my brother and father?
-- Lord of the Rings841; Delaware
My answer to this question probably shouldn't extend beyond these two words: GET OUT!
Seriously, get out. You're living in a dangerous environment. You wake up every day and go to sleep every night in the presence of predators. And now your brother is intimidating and taunting you? This is the emotional equivalent of trying to survive in the Serengeti, with lions and tigers lurking in the darkness. It has to be horrifying.
You clearly have a lot of inner strength, though, as you're searching for tools to keep yourself safe. And while I could brainstorm some key words or phrases you could use to possibly get some breathing room, doing so feels like treating a gunshot wound with a lollipop. It'd be beyond insufficient and arguably negligent.
As I've done before with questions above my paygrade, I will refer you to the professionals. The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. As stated in their name, they work with incest victims, so they can help. Call them at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), or chat with them at online.rainn.org. Counseling is free and confidential, and they also might be able to connect you with additional support in your area.
If you don't want to contact RAINN, I urge you to contact someone. Anyone. Maybe that's a friend or family member. If you're still in school, it could be a teacher/professor you trust or your guidance counselor, who can either advise you or refer you to a more specialized professional. If you're working, contact your human resources department to see if they offer an Employee Assistance Program. Some companies will subsidize therapy sessions with a licensed counselor, at least for a specified amount of time.
The key is to get help. I know you said you tried living alone and it didn't work, but just because it failed before doesn't mean it will fail now.
When your circumstances aren't as you want/need them, it's easy to feel stuck. It's easy to feel that this is how it is, and this is how it'll be. And when you try to extricate yourself from the situation and fail, those feelings of defeat grow that much more undeniable. They begin to feel like fact.
But there's always hope, and there's always a way out. I realize there might be financial restrictions, or emotional concerns, or downright fear. But staying in this environment won't end well.
Understandably, you're in survival mode. How could you not be? So I get that it's hard to focus on anything beyond stymieing the next threat. But there's a bigger picture out there. There's a world in which you don't have to live in constant fear, where you don't have to turn to me for a defensive vocabulary.
If you can prioritize yourself over everything else, that world can become your reality. Never forget that you're worth saving, and that you're worthy of something better.
COMING FRIDAY: I Want to be a Writer...
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