ADVICE 16: Sex Talk


Photo Credit: Brent Stoller

To send in a question, please complete this short Google form. All submissions are anonymous, even to the author.


(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)

I have been seeing an older man for a couple of years now. We have never kept things exclusive, which we have both enjoyed. Judge me all you want, but I have always been attracted to older men. We have a wonderful time when we are together and have insane chemistry. Lately, in the heat of the moment if you will, he tells me that he wants to have a baby with me. This has now happened four times, and I am not sure how to address it. Whether or not I would want to have a baby with him is one thing, but I am first trying to determine the sincerity of his desires. It could be that since he is older he wants to have a child while he still can, or it could just be something thrown around in the bedroom. Is that a common thing for men to articulate? If it is, how often is it a real feeling?
-- Potential Baby Mama; Naples, FL

Let's make one thing clear: Nobody ever has to worry about getting judged by me. If you send in a question, I will answer it as honestly, objectively and compassionately as I can. We all have our own interests and issues, and it's not up to me to denounce what's right or wrong.

Even if that "interest" is telling a woman in the heat of the moment that you want to impregnate her. If we've learned anything from the internet, it's that anything and everything is a fetish for somebody. It doesn't matter how crazy, off-the-wall, how-is-that-even-a-thing a concept is, there's a good chance that someone is turned on by it. I'm not going to Google examples, because I don't want my search history to land me on a watch list.

With that disclaimer out of the way, I do not believe that, for most guys, pregnancy talk is synonymous with dirty talk. In fact, I'm confident that it's the exact opposite. It's about the least sexy subject a man can think about, right next to baseball and his grandmother's bath robe. The last thing uncommitted dudes want to contemplate is that the pleasure they're experiencing in the moment will result in a lifetime of responsibility.

Yes, guys are prone to say just about anything when they (and you) are naked, but if I had to guess, your man is saying it for one of two reasons:

1) He thinks it turns you on. Or, more accurately, he thinks it's what you want to hear. As Jerry Seinfeld brilliantly explains, men are so clueless to what women want that honking and catcalls are among the best strategies we've come up with to gain your affection.

It might be duplicitous or downright dumb, but we do know that many women love babies and love the idea of being a mother. So in your boyfriend's mind, bringing up babies might tingle your ovaries and ensure you stick around and keep sleeping with him. Let's hope this is not the case.

2) He actually does want to have a baby with you. This feels more likely. Think about it... there's no more intimate act than *INSERT FAVORITE SEX EUPHEMISM HERE*, and there's no more intimate result of any act than the creation of a human being. So why not acknowledge that intimacy in the moment?

While you haven't been exclusive, the two of you clearly have a connection. Maybe he does want you to be the mother of his child, and this is his way of expressing just how close he feels to you and how much he cares. When framed like that, it's much more possible that he's using his baby declaration as a turn-on for both of you.

As always, the only way to figure out what's going on is to talk to him about it. He's said it four times, and that qualifies as a pattern, so it's not like you'd be catching him off guard.

Bring it up when you're eating dinner, or watching Netflix, or even in the bedroom. Just please ask him about it. Given your uncertainty -- both about where he stands and the future of your relationship -- you don't want to guess and be left raising the wrong answer.

COMING FRIDAY: Could My One-Night Stand Turn Into Something More?

Need more ADVICE? Check out the most recent installments:

ADVICE 15: Marital Rape

ADVICE 14: How Do I Break Up With My Parents?

ADVICE 13: Lessons From The Bachelor Love Triangle

ADVICE 12: Is My Boyfriend Suicidal?

ADVICE 11: The Conversational Trick Everyone Should Know

ADVICE 10: How Do I Become a Writer?

To send in a question, please complete this short Google form. All submissions are anonymous, even to the author.