Photo Credit: Brent Stoller
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It's weird to think that this is already the twentieth entry of this column. I'm not really sure what to make of that, but it felt noteworthy. In wedding anniversary parlance, it's apparently your "platinum" anniversary.
So welcome to the platinum edition of ADVICE...
(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)
My best friend and I have been friends for a decade now. She and I are 31. We've built a good friendship through trust, being comfortable around each other and being open. Last week, she texted me asking a personal question. She is trying to get with a guy, and he doesn't do certain things sexually, like *redacted*. So she asked me if I could do these sexual acts with her that he won't do. I was taken aback by this. I'm comfortable doing those things, but I wasn't expecting her to ask me to do them with her.
I don't want to be a side piece, but I'm intrigued by this proposal. I'm also conflicted. We talked about this a few days ago and she is really serious about this. And she wants this to be a long-term setup, even if I'm in a relationship with someone else.
I told her that I need time to think this over. We may cross a line that we can't un-cross.
--Man23of4Soul; Denver, CO
I don't know why, but reading the term "side piece" cracked me up. Especially knowing that my mom will be reading it too. And, fair warning, there are other things that follow I wish my mom wouldn't read, but I can only redact so much.
There's a temptation to turn this into an all-Seinfeld column, because the show offers wisdom on the varying subjects raised in this question -- friends with benefits; certain bedroom activities (I could also work in Curb Your Enthusiasm, as well; ***NSFW***); sex to save the friendship -- but I'm going to resist. I feel comfortable stealing only so much from Jerry and Larry.
Before I get into the plausibility of your friend's proposal, I have to ask: Is it possible that she's in love with you? Could she have concocted this bizarre proposition in hopes that it will lead to the two of you being together?
"She wants this to be a long-term setup, even if I'm in a relationship with someone else." This was the line that stuck out to me. It rings of some ludicrous idea floated in a two-star rom-com.
That is, assuming it's not born out of deep-seated issues that demand therapy. Although the fact that, to do this, she's willing to a) cheat on her boyfriend and b) cross a line with her best friend that can't be uncrossed signals that therapy could be needed regardless.
I get why you are intrigued by the offer (you're a guy), but I don't see any way that it leads to anywhere you want to go.
For starters, she has a boyfriend. Beyond the risk of the potential black eye, do you really want to be that guy? Do you really want to be that guy who has to go diving into closets or who has to stay perfectly silent while she's on the phone with him?
His feelings aren't your responsibility, but that doesn't mean you can't consider them. If that's not reason enough, consider the karma you'd be creating for yourself. That stuff comes back around.
Even if she wasn't being unfaithful, friends with benefits is a tough needle to thread. See the first Seinfeld clip above. Even Costanza can tell it's a bad idea. But that doesn't stop people from trying it. (Because it's awesome.) Everybody knows it's dangerous, and everybody is convinced they can manage the pitfalls.
But nobody can. Sex changes everything. Eventually, one side gets more emotionally attached than the other, and that's that.
Don't get me wrong, this arrangement has the potential to be awesome. At least for a little while. But it's going to turn at some point. It can't help but to, and the awesomeness you experience initially stands to be staggeringly outweighed by the drama that follows. Which might cost you your best friend.
I realize it's easy for me to dissuade you, because I'm not the one being offered no-strings-attached fun. But rest assured, there are strings attached, even if you can't see them yet.
If nothing else, this arrangement will stunt your search for a real relationship -- one that doesn't cast you as the "other guy," that doesn't compromise your friendship, and that most importantly, doesn't relegate you to side-piece status.
COMING FRIDAY: My College Crush Won't Acknowledge Me
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