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(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)
I will admit that I am from a different generation, one that was taught that premarital sex was not a good idea. As a psychotherapist, I often hear stories of how it results in STDs and unwanted pregnancies, how teen girls are told by their boyfriends if they don't have intercourse, their boyfriends are going to leave them. This all makes me think that the "old" view of premarital sex is wiser. It breaks my heart to think of babies, toddlers and teens suffering because they were born to parents who weren't choosing to become parents. What can we do about this?
--Sad for the Children; San Diego, CA
Our stance on premarital sex has steadily shifted over the years, and it's been shifting in one direction. What was once taboo is now accepted/expected of teens and young adults.
This mindset is, in some part, a reflection of our society, of what we deem tame or tawdry. In the 1950s, TV's take on bedroom activity consisted of Lucy and Ricky retiring to their respective twin beds. Today, the only time a husband and wife occupy separate sleeping quarters onscreen is in an erectile dysfunction commercial.
That you feel this way and are from a different generation is not surprising. I've discussed this topic a number of times with my parents, and we each fall on our expected side of the argument. Growing up when they did, they were taught to save sex for marriage. Especially the girls. "Nice girls don't do that," my mom was told.
Chauvinism aside, this was music to my ears, as it validated my long-held hope/belief that my brother and I were products of Immaculate Conception.
And then I started hearing tales of places like the Chicken Ranch, a brothel in La Grange, TX, that operated until 1973. No date on Friday night? No problem. All you had to do was head to the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. It was like a rite of passage, a hedonistic wonderland where college boys from all over the state could go to become men.
If that wasn't enough, you could cross the border into the infamous Boys' Town, a commercial district in Laredo, Mexico built on depravity. (I'm not about to hyperlink to anything associated with it.)
I've been to Boys' Town -- twice (regrettably) -- with my fraternity. It's incomprehensibly disgusting, a place where you see things you can't un-see. Walking around, I was nauseated knowing that portions of my skin were exposed. I can't imagine how anyone could expose any other part of their body there.
Between Boys Town and the Best Little Whorehouse, these accepted social norms struck me as strange. It was OK to sleep with a prostitute but not your girlfriend? And your girlfriend was willing to eventually marry (and sleep with) you, knowing your history with prostitutes?
I don't know...maybe our perspectives aren't as different as we initially thought. Or maybe they're both equally delusional/reasonable in the concessions they make.
A quick Google search reveals the debate over teaching abstinence vs. safe sex wages on. According to a U.S. Department of Health and Human Services study, the national teen pregnancy rate dropped 51 percent between 1990 and 2010. This decline, the data shows, "is due to the combination of an increased percentage of adolescents who are waiting to have sexual intercourse and the increased use of contraceptives by teens."
So maybe we're both right, and we're both wrong. In my opinion, as I wrote in one of the first editions of this column:
"There are varying views on casual sex, and they all should be respected. Personally, I don't have a problem with it. It's not my business. If you're a consenting adult, what you choose to do is up to you. All that I ask is that you be responsible about it, and that you're capable of handling any consequences. Because there are potential consequences, be it pregnancy, disease or an emotional fallout."
It's that last sentence where we agree, regardless of generation. STDs and mental distress should never be taken lightly, but there are few developments as devastating as a child being born to those who aren't ready -- or who don't want -- to be parents.
To me, it's the single biggest problem we're facing, the root from which society's ills stem. And it's the problem we have to figure out. Because if somehow there was a way to get people who shouldn't be having kids to stop having kids, what a wonderful world this could be.
COMING WEDNESDAY: My Hocking Relative
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