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I need help breaking a cycle of behavior my family is stuck in. To explain, I'll need to start with events from three years ago.
A that time, my younger sister, who was turning 18, was the victim of a violent crime that left her hospitalized. While she was in the hospital, our parents died, also as a result of violence.
Fast-forward to present day, and my sister, now in her early 20s, is in prison. This is her second trip there for drug-related offenses.
Given this situation, telephone calls with extended family members have become unbearable, because they follow the same script: They ask if I've heard how my sister is doing, and when I answer, they then launch into this whole thing about how they feel uncomfortable having a relationship with her, and how I should stay away from her too. This happens every time, without fail, often before they'll ask how I'm doing.
This is not only frustrating but painful. I manage to go most days without thinking about the past, and I consider that a major victory. But having it brought up again just rips the scab off.
What I've tried to make my relatives understand is that it isn't easy for me to write off my sister. She has no support system and is my last living immediate family member. But it doesn't seem to matter.
I'm confused and frustrated, and I just want to break this pattern. What should I say to them?
--SatinSpectre; Marysville, OH
You should say everything you just said here: that you're not going to abandon your sister; that these conversations are opening old wounds; and that something has to change.
I don't know how many relatives you're having these conversations with, but I'd make your stance clear to all of them. Pick the medium -- phone call, email, whatever -- that will allow you to express yourself directly and completely. Tell them that while you want them in your life (assuming you do), their presence is doing more harm than good.
If they care about and respect you, they'll listen. And once they do, there's a progression you can follow to ensure they continue to.
First, if they bring up your sister in the future, cut them off immediately, reminding them that's not a path you want to go down. Don't let their transgression pass without acknowledgement. It's like correcting a dog that's humping your teddy bear -- you have to correct them in the moment.
Do this enough, and it should (steadily) regulate their behavior. If it doesn't, at some point, you'll want to consider building stronger boundaries. And that might mean cutting off contact completely.
I'm guessing the last thing you want to do is lose more family, but when you think about it, if things don't change, why would you want to keep talking to these people? What good comes from it? They ignore your wishes and inflict nothing but pain and heartache. How is that helping you?
That's a last-resort option, of course, but one worth stashing in your back pocket. Because what's most important is that you do what's best for you.
Between your sister's destruction and your parents' passing, you've been dealt a hand that could be generously described as devastating. And while you consider it a "major victory" that you rarely think about the past, that doesn't mean your past didn't happen and that it can no longer impact you.
It is impacting you, if in no other way than sabotaging your relationships with your extended family. It's understandable that you don't want to talk about it with them, but please talk about it with someone.
I'm no expert, but the aftermath of this trauma has got to be rolling around your psyche, affecting how you go through life. You wouldn't be human if it weren't. It's a ticking time bomb, and the best thing you can do is start defusing it before it blows up.
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