I Age-Shamed Myself When I Tried To Get My 'Sexy' Back

It goes without saying -- it was imperative that I go on several preliminary shopping trips in my little town last week, to procure a few smart outfits to wear on my actual shopping trip to New York City. I wasn't going to just show up at the Fashion-Mecca-Of-The-Free-World representing Fly-Over-Country, looking frumpy...

One afternoon, laden down with purchases, I beat the hastiest path available through the mall to my car, which necessitated cutting straight through the Ladies Lingerie Department of a well known department store.

Now, I'm no stranger to lingerie. In fact, I used to own some in the 80s. I actually may still own some. I haven't really dug that deep into the back of my pajama drawer lately to take inventory. Suddenly, I had something of a MARITAL EPIPHANY -- What if I bought some lingerie to take along on our romantic weekend getaway?

That seemed like a really grand gesture on my part, and an idea my hubby was sure to be keen on.

The last time I shopped for lingerie, I was at a well-known "lingerie-specific" store in the mall. I confess that I get extremely overwhelmed and disoriented in that place. I've never been particularly brilliant at math, but I do think I've figured out their big "SECRET."  It's quite simple really: if marketed correctly, they can sell a bra for about 20 times its Fair Market Value to gullible women and almost EVERY MAN ALIVE.

Not to make it about money, but I'm still pretty uplifted by a bra I bought 10 years ago at Target that cost me $14.99. That's approximately .75 cents per boob, per year.

I paused just long enough to encounter, Veronica, a Sales Associate. She asked if she could be of assistance. I mentioned that I was going on a trip over the weekend with my husband and might be interested in purchasing something "a tiny bit sexy." She must've thought I said, "something tiny, and a bit sexy..."


As she began to peddle her wares, I blushed,  "I'm a bunch of people's Mother, Veronica."

I gazed wistfully over at the flannel selection: There sat the cutest pair of PJs I've ever seen in my life -- a soothing turquoise blue background with creamy white sheep grazing on them. They were so adorable I almost cried.

(These sheep are trying to bring sexy Baaaaa-ck!)

"Those are not sexy Girl!," Veronica admonished, waving her hand dismissively.

"But I heard it gets chilly in Manhattan this time of year. I think I'm going to need something with more coverage," I whined sheepishly.

"They have heaters in the hotel rooms," she said. (Like she's some kind of New York City Travel Expert.)

Reluctantly, I took my search back over to The Happy Hooker rack, and started looking at the selections and their accompanying price tags.

"Veronica, Girl, if I'm going to spend this much money for 1/8th of an ounce of anything, it's going to be something flashy that EVERYONE can see me wearing in public -- like something from the Fine Jewelry Department. When it comes to nightwear, I like my dollars-to-fabric ratios to be more in line."

Tiring of my attitude, she offered, "We have a 65 percent off rack in the storage room I can roll out, you're welcome to browse through it..."


As luck would have it, I found just what I was looking for back there. And, (sigh) it's true there's not much fabric to it, at least at 35 percent of Manufacturer's Suggested Retail I can afford for it to get lost in the back of the drawer behind the sheep pajamas.

Yes, I bought that pair too.  I guess I'm showing my age when I admit I am a Material Girl, and I like to sleep in a Material World!

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