Alien Invaders Support Arctic Drilling

Now that NASA has identified our "earth like" planet, what you call Kepler 452b and we call what sounds to you like an alligator puking, I guess we no longer need to pretend that we're just oil company CEOs working to make you energy independent of your puny sun and flaccid winds. We've been doing this since our flesh puppet Ronald Reagan took those solar panels off the White House roof.

Today we're closer than ever to transforming your frigid tree infested blue marble planet to a more temperate 185-degree sandy orange dune world. As one of our oily front groups once stated, a slightly warmer planet will mean fewer heart attacks from shoveling snow. Plus it will be a friendlier breeding habitat for some of your (soon to be our) most adorable animals including Gila Monsters, termites and jellyfish.

And of course we're thrilled at how quickly our Arctic Ice melting project has advanced. We were doubly delighted when, rather than raise a global alarm about fossil-fuel fired warming, the rapid loss of Arctic sea ice inspired a frenzied rush to drill the newly exposed seabed for more oil. At that point even the Arctic lemmings were going, "like, whoa humans." Fun joke we tell among our kind. 'How many giant rigs and ships can Shell Oil wreck and burn off Alaska?' Answer. 'Three so far.' OK, its alien humor, you might not get it.

Once we burn enough fossil plankton to blast through the 2 degrees Celsius planetary warming that your scientists call catastrophic and our kind calls spring break we'll still need to convince you to convert that Arctic oil into kerosene and airdrop it onto your forest fires if we're to open earth for sand lizard eco-tourism by your kid's 40th birthday.

But you'd never pour kerosene on forest fires you say? Well, isn't one of your species' sayings 'you have to fight fire with fire?' I'm sure we can get the Heartland Institute to put out a report on kerosene and liberty or get my fellow brood mate Senator Jim Inhofe, admittedly one tentacle short of what sounds to you like a urinating python, to oppose federal overreach that would have Washington bureaucrats telling the states what kind of fire suppressant they can use.

My fellow Alien Overlord Dick Cheney is right; it's not that hard to trick war and selfie loving mammalian omnivores. All you have to do is seize some oil fields and shoot the occasional human in the face and the others will follow along.

Now I know what you're wondering but no, Donald Trump is actually one of yours. You think that with interstellar drive technology we couldn't better replicate human hair?

A true example of one of ours is BP spokesman and former Pentagon flak Geoff Morrell. Having helped you understand our, I mean your, victory in Iraq he recently touted BP's partnership with nature noting the Gulf of Mexico's "remarkable resiliency," has left its beaches "in better shape than they've been in years." Now some might say BP talking about the resiliency of the Gulf is like a Vatican spokesman talking about the resiliency of abused children but we say if those dead dolphins that keep washing up along its shores are so unhappy why are they still smiling?

Speaking of the Vatican this reformist new Pope Francis makes us nervous with his talk of climate change as a moral issue. Be on the lookout for UFOs over Italy. Also troubling are some of the global negotiating teams headed to Paris for a last chance climate summit in December plus all the 'Shell No," Sea Party and Kayaktivist anti-drilling protesters. We've instructed our flesh puppets to label them hypocrites. After all aren't their kayaks made from petroleum and aren't they carbon based life forms themselves? Also we remain vigilant to the threat of celebrity led human resistance be it by Leonardo Dicaprio, Hayden Panettiere or Kardashians for Conservation.

Luckily after taking over Alaska back in the 1950s we were gradually able to seize control of one of the American political parties, the one with the ivory. So when 49 republican senators recently voted that climate change isn't caused by human activity they were being honest. They know we are the ones behind it.

But why then, you ask, has your democratic President Barack Obama just approved Shell's exploratory oil drilling in the Chukchi Sea this summer even when his own Department of Interior projects a 70 percent chance of a major oil spill up there? Does he want an oil-slicked, heat scorched, half-drowned sand lizard planet as his legacy? Let's just say that while he wasn't born in Kenya he also wasn't hatched in Hawaii.