All the Biased Judges

I built this huge, expensive, beautiful house using the best materials and workmanship money can buy.

The buyer, a Muslim, has filed a stupid lawsuit alleging that the house I built is a piece of crap. Can you imagine that?

Now, I could settle this case in a jiffy but I never settle lawsuits. To do so would just invite other nutcases - Muslims, Mexicans, blacks, women -- to litigate the heck out of me.

On the other hand, let me tell you why this case should never go to trial.

I happened to see the list of judges who potentially could hear my case -- and it is a beaut.

Let me go down the list and tell you why each and every one of these judges must be disqualified from hearing my case.

Take Judge Chandra. Perfectly nice guy. I like Indian food and I'm a big fan of India and Indians -- some of them are fine people. However, I am planning to build a Chinese restaurant that is going to compete with Chandra's friend's Indian restaurant just down the road. How can this guy be fair to me, it's an inherent conflict of interest -- give me a break.

Then there is judge Williams. Also a very, very nice guy, very proud of his heritage -- some of my best friends are black and I've always had a great relationship with the blacks -- but how can I expect my African-American to treat a lily-white defendant fairly. No way!

Justice Locklear is also out of the question as, many years ago, I publicly supported a businessman who wanted to compete with a casino owned by a Native American tribe and who publicly remarked, "They don't look like Indians to me... They don't look like Indians to Indians." Remember, Native Americans have long memories.

Or how about Judge Gonzales. Now, I have nothing against Mexicans, some, I assume, are good people. I even hired one or two of them to do some stonework at the house -- they did a beautiful job! But this judge made a huge donation to my Mexican opponent in the upcoming city council race. Talk about a huge conflict of interest.

Talking about foreigners, there is Judge Chen. Born here, but still a Chinese to me. By the way I have nothing against China or the Chinese, I have many, many friends there, but I never use Chinese materials or labor in my construction. We're losing now over $500 billion in trade with China -- it's disgusting -- and I am doing my bit to fix that by only using made-in-America for my houses. The judge knows that. He'll treat me fairly? Are you kidding me?

Then there is Judge Müller, with a similar ethnic and racial background as myself -- perhaps not as pure as mine-- but he has made rulings that people can't even believe, given his race, including a ruling against me for refusing to rent to a Latino, and I have nothing against Latinos, not a racist bone in my body. How can this guy be fair to me?

Let's look at Judge Smith. What a babe! She'd probably make a great wife to someone, But a judge? Give me a break. Everybody knows that I just treasure and respect women and that women love me. I even once let a female design one of my kitchens. But, to have a woman hear a case where the builder and all his employees are male? How fair will that be?

Take Judge Bernstein. What a great guy. I even played golf with him once -- of course I beat him. But can you imagine how unfairly he'll treat me when he finds out that I made my Jewish workers toil on the Sabbath? Or, worse, when he starts pondering about my German heritage.

Finally, can you believe this, one of the judges who could decide my case is Judge Abdallah. Give me a break. I mentioned that the guy who is suing me is a Muslim. Nothing against Muslims -- I love Muslims -- but can you imagine Judge Abdallah treating me fairly when my litigant is Muslim? Absolutely not.

You want to know the truth. But I won't say that, because I don't want to get myself in trouble, I don't want to have any controversies. So I refuse to say that there is not a single judge in this country unbiased enough to be fair to me. Even former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales -- a man of stellar reputation -- agrees with me that I have a right to question the fairness of these judges.

That is why we need to elect someone who will straighten the Judicial Branch out and will install judges -- especially on the Supreme Court -- who will not discriminate against people with the right heritage, the heritage that will make America great again.