All The Things I Should Say To You But Probably Never Will

Artwork by Jillian Evelyn

To the lost one:

For a while now, I have gone along with the bumpy, undefined ride that is you and me. Why do you continue to pop in and out of my life? And why do I allow you to do so? We've truly been all over the place. Too many times I allowed myself to be reckless and impulsive with you, my heart, and my body.

I don't have a problem speaking up, but with you, I never found the courage to be completely candid. This confused me. You confused me. All those times I came back to you I was preparing myself. I wasn't ready to tell you how you treated me inadequately. I am more ready now.

With you, I embraced an open mind because I felt connected to your lost soul. I was lost then too. I still am, but in a different way now. For some reason, you gave me a sense of hope I hadn't felt in a long time. Yet, you came in and out of my life at your own leisure. I deserved better. Still, I chose to see what would happen, where it would lead.

At times you were honest and upfront. That was the version of you I liked and connected with the most. Yet every time you showed genuine emotion, you went back to being dejected. You lifted me up, then ignored me and pushed me away. Did you not realize how your ambiguity would affect me?

For too long, I made excuses for you. I wanted you to be someone you're not. Now I finally realize why I couldn't give you up: I craved a deeper understanding of your mystery and the ways our lives overlapped. I wanted to understand why you made me feel good, despite all the times you made me feel like shit.

By no means did I hold my breath for you--I enjoyed other guys. But whenever you returned, I thought things would be different, that you had become the version of you I imagined. You never did live up to my expectations. Still, I gave into talking to you, to seeing you, and to having sex with you even when I knew none of those things were a good idea. In the moment, they felt good. They felt right. They felt real. But after, I always felt bad--about you and worse, about myself.

Nonetheless, I revealed deep parts of myself to you. I tried to push you to overcome your fears and find what you were looking for; I hoped you would feel as free as I do because I thought that's what was best for you. I genuinely wanted deep fulfillment and happiness for you. And I selfishly wanted it for me too. But your self growth had nothing to do with me. Still, I allowed you to drag me down your path to nowhere and nothingness. Maybe if something changed with you, you would make room for me in your life. Maybe you would become the person I cracked you up to be all along.

The thing is, I allowed you to treat me that way because I didn't value myself then. I didn't know that I deserve more. Instead I justified your behavior, telling myself you didn't know any better. You couldn't give me any more than that, so I shouldn't hold you accountable because you're trying to find yourself. And you were honest about it once, so that means you get a go free card. I was unsure of what I wanted, so how could I hold you to anything either.

Secretly I hoped you would find your own magic and embrace mine alongside it. Maybe our connection would make both of us feel more whole. That was a silly thought. Still, I allowed us to keep going because I thought our story wasn't over yet. Until now, I was willing to go down an undefined path with you because I wasn't ready to define my own.

In the end it wasn't you who was in the wrong, I allowed us to stay stuck in the in-between. I let you to weave in and out of my life. Why did I expect you to be responsive, to follow through and be the good guy I projected you to be? I can't blame you for being who you are anymore. It's not fair to either of us. For too long I wished things were different and convinced myself one day they might be. Today I know better than that.

Although I am not ready for a serious relationship, I know I am worth more than this. I like my solitude, but should I let someone into my life, he will be consistent and transparent. He won't take me for granted. He wont be so afraid to be the person he wants to be. Thank you for showing me what I want and what I don't want in a man and in a relationship.

Finally, I am moving on with my life and my mixed feelings for you are no longer holding me back. Truth be told, I now realize we never were meant to be more than we were. Yet, you inspired me in many ways. In the end, it was our tainted connection that helped me see myself in a brighter light. Today I no longer need to see a reflection of myself in you nor anyone else to feel whole. I know how to look deep within myself for that.

Soon you will be just a beautiful memory--a glimpse of something that could've been great, sometimes was good, but wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I know I will be grateful for that memory.

Thank you for coming into my life.

Be well,

P.S. I hope my brutal honesty wasn't too much for you.