Being alone is not something I’m necessarily unaccustomed. Growing up in the fashion in which I did there was always a sense of loneliness even while actually being surrounded by people. Trust has always played a huge part considering everyone I have ever trusted or loved has betrayed me in one form or another. I developed, at a very young age, certain self-preservation techniques to give the facade of protection. I convinced myself that I was better off alone and that it was in my best interest to keep my heart impervious.
My friends have always been friends of convenience due mainly to my career driven attitude. The majority of people in which I tend to meet were through work and therefore as my path changed directions the relationships in which I formed have had a tendency to evaporate. I guess, in retrospect, most friendships are formed in such a way. You create bonds with people due to your current situation and then one, or both, tends to grow at a different pace or move onward in a different direction. You find yourself spending more time while trying to reconnect discussing the shenanigans of the past and then quickly realize you have nothing in common any longer.
I have always had the tendency to keep people in my life at arms length in relation to how I’ve been treated in the past. In my experience, sharing has always ended very badly as the information I have chosen to disclose has been used against me quite to my own detriment. I take full responsibility for these situations as I apparently have a very poor taste in those in which I have chosen to trust. I developed, quite early on, a mentality of trusting someone until they give me pause and then it being lost forever. There has never really been second chances when it comes to my life. Always, in the back of my mind, I question whether or not the person will repeat their history despite anything in which they try to do to change. Some may see my attitude as pessimistic but I consider it to be realistic. Yes, of course people change, but it comes with time and is completely up to the person wanting to make a change for themselves. Cheaters usually cheat again and liars will continue to lie.
For most people, in times of strife they tend to turn towards their family. However, that has never really been an option for me. Not having a strong support system has been a serious issue that I have dealt with throughout my entire life. Blood may be thicker than water but incompatible blood types can cause serious health complications.
So, after my recent break up I have found myself once again alone and attempting to convince myself that it is for the best. In reality, though, I am in a very dark place as of late. I’m sure it is a product of not really having an avenue in which to put my energy. Under normal circumstances, when times would get tough I had the inclination to throw myself head first into work but due to my attempt at focusing less on my career it’s turned out not to be a possibility. I find myself, most nights, filling my time with mindless activities just to try and keep my mind preoccupied. For the first time in my life I have resorted to covering my emotions with alcohol. This is something in which I abhor due to the abundance of alcoholics I have endured throughout my life. But, as we all know, alcohol amplifies and exacerbates negative emotion just as much as the positive.
I have decided, once the funk begins to dissipate, to use this time for self-reflection and to figure out what the next chapter entails. I had, or so I thought, chosen to relocate and start my life with a clean slate but unfortunately that was not in the cards. That means that now I must make a plethora of life altering decisions, an overwhelming and daunting task. Not only must I pick a location but also multiple choices that impact every single aspect of my life. What do I want to do in regards to my career? Where do I want to live? Do I give love another chance? Should I change my policy regarding friendships? Do I want to risk getting hurt by making myself more vulnerable? Do I reach out despite another heartbreak possibly being too much for my psyche to handle? This has proven quite difficult because while the sky may be the limit I apparently have an underlying fear of heights.
I have been making small conscious steps towards reconciling my current situation. Forcing myself, at least once a day, to leave my hotel and do something by myself. This includes such activities as eating out and trying my best to stay social despite every fiber of my being wanting to curl up in my own aura of misery. The struggle to not retreat inward is very real, indeed. I, in true nerd fashion, have created a bullet point list of things in which I must decide in order of importance starting with geography. Concluding that once I make a few of the important decisions then at least I can get back on track to acceptance.
Deep down I have a fear that I may not fully recover from this situation. There has been a sense of hopelessness that, despite my best effort, has slowly crept inside. I keep telling myself that I have overcome much worse but, in all honesty, I am quite tired of being in a constant state of recovery. I still desire my happy ending and I feel that I have earned it. I just am not quite sure how to make it happen anymore. I do know, however, that I am not a quitter and I refuse to give up no matter how dire things may look.