Seems like almost every parent today knows that spanking is verboten. Everyone except that parent who says, "My father spanked me, and I turned out fine." To him I want to say, You don't remember how you felt while you were being spanked -- the terror, the helplessness, the anger.
Working with parents for 40 years has demonstrated to me that parents spank because they don't know what else to do that "really works." It is out of their simmering frustration that they resort to harsh physical actions like spanking, slapping, even pinching or holding a shoulder just that much too tightly. But it's all spanking. And it screams helpless parent, regardless of the child's age, tot or teen. You are showing your weakness.
Children do not need to cry, to be hurt, to be shamed, or to shout "uncle" in order to learn the lesson you are trying to impart. The discipline (from the Latin root word which means learning or teaching) that is needed should be just that -- the lesson that teaches not to do that again. It is a lesson that cultivates self-discipline. The child needs to learn; he doesn't need to be hurt or humiliated. In fact, a child in those heightened emotional states will not learn. Rather, he will be focused on his anger at you, what a mean, bad daddy you are, not even thinking about what he did.
Here are some tips for what to do when you feel like spanking:
- Get a grip on your own anger. Grit your teeth and admit that you feel like walloping your kid. Then commit not to do it.
You and your child need to be on the same team. You are both trying to get him to the same place, the place of making thoughtful, good choices for himself. And the very first chance you get, catch him doing the right thing. Praise works better than punishment ... and a whole lot better than spanking.