When you've lived with someone for any length of time you feel like you get to know them inside and out. I guess that doesn't always hold true since my husband of 22 years walked out six months ago. I thought I would be able to see something like that coming, but I didn't.
I honestly thought I knew everything about him, his likes, his dislikes. I think the person I didn't know much about though was myself. I've had to really re-learn a lot about myself during this season of my life.
So now that the dust has had a bit of time to settle I've been focusing on me. And here are 22 things I have learned about myself since my husband left.
1. I can ugly cry for a very long time, several times a day for several days at a time.
2. Looking at family pictures will make me ugly cry even more.
3. I've never depended on my friends more than I have now.
4. Time starts to numb the pain.
5. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. And that is okay.
6. Kids are not as resilient as people think.
7. I do not enjoy being alone.
8. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely.
9. I don't like to be told 'No'.
10. God is telling me 'No' a lot.
11. Kids will pick sides, no matter what.
12. I am perfectly capable of doing things on my own.
13. I can evaluate and re-evaluate things an infinite amount of times and still arrive at the same conclusion.
14. My mom may be in her seventies, but she will still tell me what I need to hear, even if it's not what I want to hear.
15. I am only responsible for ME.
16. He can still hurt me, but only if I allow him to.
17. It's ok for me to start moving forward with the rest of my life.
18. And it's even ok for me to be excited about some aspects of being divorced.
19. I will still cry sometimes, but mourning a marriage is normal, as long as I don't wallow in self pity.
20. I do not have to make a decision immediately as to what I do with my wedding rings.
21. I am not completely at fault for the divorce; it takes two to break down a relationship.
22. I WILL get through this.
I have definitely found out that I am stronger than I ever thought I was, and that strength keeps building the more I use it. I don't like where I am in life right now, but like it or not, I'm there. This was never in my grand scheme, or what I wanted to happen. But I can't change these circumstances, so it's what I do in the midst of the situation that determines how high I rise.
And I want to be that phoenix, rising from the ashes bigger and better than ever.
When everything is said and done I want to spread my wings and take flight, flying higher than I've ever flown.