Amazon to Buy Catholicism for $800 Billion

Amazon to Buy Catholicism for $800 Billion
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As several tech insiders have reported, Amazon has apparently reached an agreement with the Vatican to purchase Catholicism for $800 billion. If approved, the deal would put the tech giant at the forefront of the burgeoning big-box religion sector.

Proponents of the deal say having a company as well structured as Amazon owning the world’s largest religion will make it a much more streamlined experience, i.e., On-Demand Hail Mary’s and same-day Rosary delivered right to your door without the need for a visit to an old, leaky, broken down church. Additionally , the roll-out of modernized changes to long time ritualistic staples, such as chocolate-flavored, agave-sweetened communion wafers and holy Vitamin Water, will make for a much more enjoyable and healthier worship process.

I think it’s a great idea,” says Roy Turdy, a Memphis-based machinist and catholic father of five. “Imagine getting instant absolution of guilt and a super pack of Scrub Daddy’s all in one place.

Critics of the deal say Amazon will reap billions in profits simply from the tax-exempt Digital Donation button, alone. “The ability for a worshipper to instantly transfer a donation from their bank to The Church of Amazon (as it will most likely be called) and have it deposited in its account, tax free, is a scary thought” says Donovan Francis, founder of “Not to mention, if you’re not an Amazon Prime member, will you even be able to worship at all? Or will you be forced to convert to Judaism?

In spite of the Pope’s vocal opposition to the buyout (it’s rumored he was forced into the deal by Vatican management, several of whom are already Prime members) Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos, claims merging all sects of the Catholic faith into one under the Church of Amazon will reduce the number of religious conflicts the world over.

I think we all look forward to the day when persecution due to religious affiliation comes to an end”, said Bezos. “By having everyone in the world worshipping the same religion, and buying Amazon products, world peace will no longer be a thing we dream of, but rather, a reality.”

However, another critic,’s John Mazer argues allowing one man to hear the confessions of two billion people is going too far. “Peace at what expense? Giving Jeff Bezos a platform to collect and use the personal sins of half the world, potentially against you, or to target ads towards your guilty pleasures, is way too much control.”

The buyout must first be approved by Congress, but it’s considered a formality, as most lawmakers already own large chunks of Amazon stock.

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