With my apologies to Judith Viorst. And, of course, to our country.
We began the year with a nice President but now his term limit is up and we tripped up trying to find suitable candidates so both parties got stuck in a hair-pulling, mudslinging campaign cycle with about as much class as the Duck Dynasty, and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad election.
At first Bernie Sanders found his liberal supporters and Hillary found her moderate supporters but all Donald Trump found was some crazy extremist supporters that he then refused to denounce.
I think I'll move to Australia.
In the candidate pool the Republicans allowed Trump to express his racist, sexist and xenophobic views. Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio voiced extreme beliefs too. John Kasich tried staying scrunched in the middle. He said he'd protect the environment; he said we need to treat everybody with respect! No one even answered.
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad election.
On the campaign trail voters liked Trump's picture of a walled off America better than the invisible borders that have always welcomed all to our revered melting pot.
At debate time, everyone was yelling too loud. At vote counting time, people started whining about leaving out the super delegates. Who needs super delegates? I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad election.
I could tell because some liberal voters said Hillary was not best candidate for Democrats anymore; they said that Bernie Sanders was the best candidate and if he didn't win then Donald Trump was the next best and so Hillary was only the third best candidate.
I hope you don't mean you'd rather elect a racist bully than vote for Hillary, I said to them. I hope the next time anyone suffers because helpful policies are denied in a Trump presidency you feel so embarrassed by your choice you want to fall off the edge of the earth and land in Australia.
There were two great candidates for the Democratic Party and the Republicans got Jeb Bush and when he dropped out John Kasich hung in there trying to get to the top. Guess which party forgot to vote for someone reasonable and experienced?
It is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad election.
That's what it is, because after Trump inexplicably took the Republican nomination and the math was clear that Hillary would be representing the Democrats, Bernie Sanders found fault just with Hillary voters. Come back and vote for me in November, I'm the only one who can fix this mess, said Bernie.
In November, I said, I'm going to Australia.
On the way to her nomination some Bernie supporters closed the door on Hillary's positive attributes and experience and while we are waiting for the votes to affirm the inevitability of her candidacy those supposedly on the same side conspire to make her fall by slinging mud and then when she starts crying foul because of the unfair mudslinging people say she is a crybaby and
While she defends herself against their name calling, Bernie supporters come back and scold her for being muddy and fighting.
I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad election, she tells everybody. No one even answers.
So then we will go to polls to pick our next President. Many voters will choose Trump. Many voters will choose Hillary. And many people who don't quite seem to grasp the negative consequences of electing a game show host as leader of the free world will pout that they wanted to vote for Bernie but the Democrats sold out. They will say you can make Hillary our nominee but you can't make me vote for her.
If Trump picks up a majority of votes for the office those people have played against the best interests of our country by pretending they forgot what those are. Liberals promised to watch out for the poor, POC and the LGBT community, and we've been careful as can be except for that nonvote. We said we wouldn't fool around with women's reproductive rights but I think if Donald Trump wins, women who need an abortion may have to go to Australia. If you don't do everything in your power to keep Trump out of the White House please don't call yourself a liberal anymore.
It is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad election.
There will be a push to defund Planned Parenthood and I hate when Planned Parenthood gets defunded.
There will be gays who are afraid to kiss in the open and I hate when gays can't kiss in the open.
The stakes are too high, we've got blinders on our eyes, our country's reputation is going down the drain and we will have to bear the horrifying policies of a bullying beauty pageant owner. I hate bullying beauty pageant owners.
If we elect him, Trump will take back rights and freedoms we thought we could keep and our legacy as a guiding light will burn out and we will all just have to bite our tongues.
The forward thinkers of the world will want to go anywhere else, not with us.
It will have been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad election.
I keep telling myself some elections are like that.
Even in Australia.
This parody was originally published on The Good Men Project