U.S. Celebrates Independence by Destroying Earth, Settling on Moon

THE MOON -- The United States of America commemorated its national independence by colonizing the moon and laying waste to Planet Earth.

"For too long Planet Earth and its denizens have infringed on the rights of American citizens," said President Barack Obama from his lunar settlement near the Sea of Tranquility. "America is no longer constrained by foreign borders or burdened by the existence of other peoples."

Synchronized with the Macy's Fourth of July Fireworks in New York City, a worldwide nuclear strike simultaneously destroyed all the major cities of the world. In the months leading up to the strike, the U.S. government shuttled American citizens to the moon for settlement.

Though some of the president's critics lament the global murder of non-Americans, others believe that it could be America's most shining moment.

"Team America, fuck yeah!" exclaimed the guy who pushed the big red button on the president's orders.

Political strategists say that the destruction of the planet might have earned Obama his re-election.

"It showed decisive leadership and a devotion to the American ideal of summarily kicking ass," said David Murphy, a political scientist from the University of Maryland.

Republican leaders applaud the strike, but argue that the president has not done enough to secure the moon's borders.

"How do we know that the moon isn't being infiltrated by Martians or Venusians?" said Jan Brewer, former governor of Arizona. "I urge the president to institute a 'show me your papers' policy for any humanoid living on the moon."

Originally featured in The Daily Pygmy.

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