'American Horror Story: Coven' Episode 12 Recap: Crime And Punishment

Note: Do not read on unless you've seen "American Horror Story: Coven," Episode 12, titled "Go To Hell."

I'll try to refrain from emphasizing my annoyance that all the witches are finally showing their powers and being badass -- when we only have one episode of "American Horror Story: Coven" left. I'm also going to ignore the fact that nearly all of the middle episodes are now inconsequential to the way things have turned out. I will also not dwell on my intense hate for the Queenie character. Because you know what? This episode wasn't that bad, compared to the motley jambalaya that most of the other episodes have been.

Ever since Episode 1, I've been waiting to hear what the Seven Wonders are, and finally "AHS: Coven" decides to share with us (again, with one episode left). Each of the Robichaux witches has some variety of powers, but none specifically match the list, and even if they do, there's a handy-dandy disclaimer to contemplate: even if you manifest some of the Wonders, it doesn't guarantee you're the next Supreme. So who's it going to be? I have a list of odds at the end of this recap, if you're the betting type.

I loved the introduction to the Wonders, didn't you? I'm a sucker for old-timey gimmicks. It made me anticipate what was to come, and also made me wish that all of "AHS: Coven" could have been like that: not taking itself too seriously and having more fun with the genre. Aaaaaand then Queenie's there, bitching and moaning about something or other. Talk about a damper. When Fiona air-chokes her and tells her off, demanding respect, it was all I could do to not stand up and yell at my screen. That's right, Fiona. Take her down a notch or two. She should be dead anyway.

Queenie ventures to Hell on her search for Marie, summoning the help of Papa Legba. The concept of Hell being our worst life experience times infinity is a great one, but unfortunately the segment is wasted on Queenie. I've said it before in these recaps and I'll say it again: poor Gabourey Sidibe just can't escape fried chicken. She learns what she needs to know from Legba and continues her hunt -- and also conveniently supplies us with the red herring that she's Supreme.

Speaking of "red," can we talk about Cordelia's eyes for a second? Even though it was clearly fake, I had some major problems looking at her while she was talking. Maybe I just can't stand The Suffering of Sarah Paulson™ anymore. I was so thankful when she put the sunglasses on. At least she regained her second sight, or else all that eye-stabbing would have been for naught.

Both Marie and LaLaurie get their comeuppance this week, and it looks like they're both gone for good. Marie is butchered by LaLaurie, her body cut into several pieces and scattered throughout the city. LaLaurie, in turn, is then stabbed to death by Queenie, so both of the feuding immortals' inability to die is eradicated since the deal is broken with Legba. As a result, they're both confined to their Hell, which is ironically the same place -- in the LaLaurie slave dungeon. The idea of these mortal enemies spending eternity together is delicious.

Fiona, meanwhile, is getting her portrait painted (by Claude from France) before her approaching death (or so we're led to believe, but more on that later). She becomes all emotional at the thought of dying, and bestows a family heirloom to Cordelia. Once Fiona puts the necklace on Cordelia, her second sight comes roaring back, and she has a vision of the coven's unsettling future. Hand-in-hand with the opening scene, this clairvoyant vision was shot beautifully. Again, I wish all of "Coven" could have been like this.

Cordelia finds out where Misty is, and brings Queenie along to resurrect her. They return to Robichaux and Misty does what all of us have been absolutely pining to do: beat the shit out of Madison. Watching Madison scramble across the floor in her gold short shorts was another great moment tonight, and wasn't it such a pleasure to see women on TV fist-fighting without holding back? (Before you yell at me, think about it: how often do you see "regular" women fist-fighting? Not very often. Misty was really going to town.) The Axeman shows up in the middle of the fight, and the coven bands together to kill him once they realize that he has vanquished Fiona. He perishes on the floor of Robichaux (again) as they group-stab him. But I don't think Fiona's dead -- see below.

So next week is the finale, and we'll find out the Supreme. My fingers are crossed that the end result will be worth dealing with months of convolution.

Witch, Please: (every week I'm going to award the witchiest witch of them all) The witchiest witch this week is the entire coven. For the first time, they genuinely work together to eradicate a foe, and that, my friends, was beautiful to see.

Random Thoughts:

  • I realize I forgot to mention that Zoe and Kyle are back. What a surprise! We were getting along just fine without them.
  • What was the point of Nan, if she's truly dead? She certainly wasn't with Legba. Along that same vein, what was the point of Luke, of Joan or of the witchhunters? It all seems kind of useless now.
  • Seriously, the Axeman was the worst. For a heartless, bloodlusty serial killer, he certainly was emotional, wasn't he?
  • Lance Reddick. What can I say, buddy? You make me smile.

Unofficial Supreme Odds
Here's the spread, with explanations.

Zoe: 50 to 1
She's been the favourite since the beginning, but she's also been a non-entity in the last few episodes. For her to suddenly rise up as the Supreme would take a lot. Still, she's one of the more logical choices. Oh -- but she said "I'm the next Supreme," which pretty much guarantees that she's not.

Queenie: 1,000 to 1
Never happen. She's being set up as the most powerful of all the witches, but that nagging rage feeling I get whenever she speaks makes me think she'd be an awful choice. I can't be the only one who feels that way, either.

Madison: 2,000 to 1
Pfft. She may be strong and have most of the Seven Wonders, but c'mon. Madison would be the worst Supreme of all.

Misty: 50 to 1
She has the same odds as Zoe, because fundamentally she's a good person and is an enjoyable character. But Misty has always been an outsider to the coven, so it's tough to see her taking ownership of it.

Nan: 2 to 1
This one's easy. If Nan returns at all, it's probably because she's Supreme.

Cordelia: 10 to 1
I feel like this is a possibility, only because she's Fiona's daughter and it seems almost rightful that she be in charge. She loves the girls and loves Robichaux, and is only now starting to come into her own. Also Ryan Murphy's infatuation with Paulson might make her top dog.

Myrtle: 1,000,000 to 1
Fun to contemplate, but no. She's always wanted to be Supreme, but she's simply not a leader. Just keep playing your theremin and saying ridiculous things, Myrtle. That's where you shine.

So, here are my two predictions for what is actually going to happen, because any of the above is too obvious. I'm thinking that every single person I've listed will be dead by the end of the finale -- but again, just a guess, as are these:

1) The next Supreme will be Fiona, as I guessed from the second or third episode. We never saw her die, so maybe she's alive; also, are we really supposed to believe the most major character in "Coven" just gets hacked to death, thrown in the swamp, and that's it? That can't be it. We'll see Fiona in the finale, when she comes back to Robichaux, kills them all, and re-becomes Supreme. (Did anyone else notice Myrtle putting the flowers behind Fiona, and then Fiona's nose started bleeding? I'm starting to think she was making her believe she was sicker than she actually was ... so she'd leave Robichaux to "die," thus leaving the coven in safer hands. Also, the whole segment with the nightshade and Madison.) No, our Fiona will be back, stronger than ever, and will take what's rightfully hers. Supreme powers are surely strong enough to eradicate cancer and reassemble body parts from the swamp, right?

2) In lieu of 1) happening, let's not forget Spalding with Marie's abducted hospital baby up in the attic, who just so happens to be a little girl. Who's to say she won't absorb all of Fiona's powers and be the next Supreme, safe in the arms of Spalding? (I know, he's dead, but ... ah hell, I don't know.) So in this scenario, they all die, including Fiona, and the little girl will grow up to rule the coven.

Or something completely out of left field will happen. Hey, "Coven" fans know that literally anything, anything can take place. I'll have my witch/warlock hat on next Wednesday to find out.

(Do you guys have theories on who'll be Supreme? I'd love to read them in the comments below!)