America's Last Will & Testament

On This 19th of January, in the Last Year of Anyone's Lord, 2017:

We, The People of these United (lol) States of America, being of unsound mind and pear-shaped body, declare this to be our Last Will & Testament.

We'll use simple bullet points so you can follow along.

We hereby bequeath and leave...

  • To Our Kids -- A bunch of debt, but that only matters during Democratic administrations, so don't worry. There won't be any more of those.

  • To Our Kids, Also -- Apologies, but at least you all know how to code.
  • To Our Parents --A raised middle finger, pressed firmly against the remote, turning the TV away from Fox News
  • To The Red States -- Good luck. Since you'll no longer be supported by the taxes, innovations, technology, entertainment, science, reason and leadership of the Blue States, we hope you can survive on a diet of beauty pageants, fear, megachurches and grits. Bless your heart.
  • To The Blue States -- A pat on the back for a good effort. Hey, 240 years ain't bad. Let's the see Patriots top that.
  • To The World -- Rocky Mountain beachfront property, nuclear weapons, Orange Julius Caesar, a copy of "Rosetta Stone: Russian I," the iPhone and porn.
  • Any and all remaining assets shall be donated to the Presidential Library and/or Twitter Feed.

    Witnessed by:
    A bunch of frikkin' idiots, of all political stripes

    Services will be held in Washington, DC, Friday, Jan 20 at noon.

    In lieu of flowers, please send money.

    The United States Is Survived By Tiffany Trump