When the news broke that Amy Schumer has been dating a very handsome man named Ben Hanisch, the Internet was excited, but reasonably put off by the lack of further information about this mystery man. The absence seemed, for lack of a better word, intentional.
Fans demanded to know: How did they meet? Online? At a bar? Did he ask her out first? Were they introduced by mutual friends? Speed dating? Did they touch the same newspaper at a corner store, lock eyes, and BLAM?!
All we know for sure is that they didn't meet on Bumble.
Sorry, Schumer, that's not good enough. This is a HUGE deal, and we deserve to know everything.
Thankfully, we have this fan theory to hold us over until more information comes out.
Theory: Their meeting was divine intervention because Amy Schumer's Boyfriend is Jesus of Nazareth reincarnated, marking the end of days.
I know. I KNOW. But lemme give you evidence before you believe it.
Ben Hasich claims to be a "furniture designer" which is basically a 2016 way of saying carpenter. He's tall, white, skinny, humble, and considerate. All qualities shared by the son of god.
The comparisons don't end there.
Get the guy on the right a crisp black suit and we're talking about an exact carbon copy of the man on the left.
The Schumer superfan also cites this quote from the Bible describing Jesus as further evidence.
(via Daniel 10:5-6)
I lifted up my eyes and looked, and behold, a man clothed in linen, with a belt of fine gold from Uphaz around his waist. His body was like beryl, his face like the appearance of lightning, his eyes like flaming torches, his arms and legs like the gleam of burnished bronze, and the sound of his words like the sound of a multitude.
It's like Daniel was straight up looking at Ben's insta when he said that.
But the clearest evidence comes from Amy Schumer herself.
Schumer posted two pictures on twitter with the caption "fam and man at the whitehizzy."
We can assume that fam = family and whitehizzy = White House. But "man"? Why would she call her boyfriend "man"? Like the embodiment of mankind? Like the son of man? The man who some believe died for our collective sins? I'm sorry, but to label a person "man" seems like an obvious tip that he is the human representation of the god on earth.
Now, if this fan theory is true, if Jesus is real and dating Amy Schumer, it would unmake reality as we know it. Countries would crumble, chaos would rule -- not to mention it would confirm that hell is real and most of us are probably going there when we die. So understandably, the Schumer camp would want to keep this under wraps. Or label this as some crazy ramblings on the web. But if it is true, we appreciate Amy risking armageddon by teasing these little nuggets out.
If you have any Amy Schumer's boyfriend fan theories, PLEASE post them in the comments and we will investigate.
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