An Alphabet of Maladies

Donald Trump says Mexican immigrants are a threat to America. Ted Cruz swears that a Democratic president will erase the Second Amendment. Marco Rubio warns that the fall election is a battle for the soul of America.

Aren't they watching the commercials that sponsor the debates? The candidates have missed the most serious threat to America: Opioid Induced Constipation. Or, as the drug companies call it, "O-I-C." So many Americans take opioid painkillers that there's a national constipation crisis. According to the AstraZeneca ad, "It feels like everyone can go, except you."

America is sick with an alphabet of maladies. We've got "IBS-D" --- Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Diarrhea. And high blood sugar: "A-1-C."

The cures put us at risk of ugly side effects; genital yeast infection, dehydration, dizziness, increased cholesterol, and bone fractures. We may end up with rash, swelling, and difficulty breathing or swallowing. But you can have these effects even if you're not taking Invokana, Victoza, Xifaxan, or Zyrtec. It's just possible that what makes us sick is our politicians.

The three leading Republican candidates promise trillions of dollars in tax cuts and billions more in war spending while delivering a balanced budget. Donald Trump says Mexicans are rapists, reporters are liars and Muslims shouldn't be allowed in the country.

Trump promises to build a wall, "a beautiful wall," on the southern border and make Mexico pay for it. He wants to deport 11 million illegal immigrants, which would require filling up thirty 747s a day for two years. Snacks would cost extra. Winning the Nevada caucus and thanking his supporters Trump declared, "I love the poorly educated." He should know. He loves himself.

In a rare candid moment, Sen. Lindsay Graham said on CNN, "I think Donald Trump will be the gold standard for stupid Republican candidates," accidentally admitting that there's more than one.

The scary scenarios offered by Republican Ted Cruz are enough to give you "U-C," ulcerative colitis. He said that if a liberal is elected and appoints the next Supreme Court justice the threat to freedom of religion will be so great we'll see "crosses and stars of David sandblasted off of the tombstones of our fallen veterans." He wants to "carpet bomb" the Islamic State, reverting to a military tactic not used since World War II in the days of "dumb" bombs. We now have smart bombs and dumb politicians.

Marco Rubio says he keeps a gun at home in case the Islamic States bursts through the front door.

For the Democrats, Hillary Clinton claims she's not beholden to Wall Street, but won't release transcripts of speeches she delivered to them for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Asked by CBS anchor Scott Pelley whether she has always told the truth she answered, "I've always tried to, always, always." She may be the most sincerely insincere politician in America.

Bernie Sanders, who's probably got a touch of constipation himself, says he can give you $5,000 worth of healthcare benefits for $500 in increased taxes.

After listening to all this, we're suffering MTA, Mexican Threat to America; ESA, Erase the Second Amendment; ORF, Obamacare Repeal Failure; Chronic Benghazi Syndrome, or CBS; and finally, RDO, Republican Debate Overload. Voters may have flulike symptoms, infections, or sores and our politicians offer the cure.

What we need is what most of them don't have; honesty, maturity, wisdom, humor, and most of all, intelligence. A candidate who keeps religion out of politics. We need the humor, intelligence and wisdom of Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. The foresight of Richard Nixon to go to China. The humility of Jimmy Carter and the likability of Ronald Reagan. We need a candidate with a spouse like Michelle. A candidate who doesn't lie, period. What we have are contestants on the Jerry Springer Show.

Presented with these candidates, it feels like "everyone can vote except you." Blood pressure and blood sugar are rising. We've got a pounding headache that lasts more than four hours a day and our stomachs are burning. Frequent urination may follow.

You have to hope the drug companies are working furiously on a solution for what happens when Americans become constipated at the polls with A-T-O-O-C, or, "Are These Our Only Choices?"