Dear Loyal Trump Fans:
What's wrong with you people?! I mean, seriously, what...the...hell...is wrong with you!? I think you guys are nuts! No matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how many major promises I break, you're still there lapping up my nonsense like a stray cat with a bowl of milk. I don't get it.
You initially flocked to me because I was "different." Because I told the truth. Because I speak my mind and "tell it like it is." But have you noticed I have all these spinners on tv telling you what I really "meant" to say? Did ya ever see a guy who "tells it like it is" have to have his statements interpreted and explained as much as mine? I lie so much I don't even know what the truth is anymore.
And let's talk about that lying for a minute. Muslims dancing in the streets? Hillary wants to abolish the 2nd Amendment? I was against the Iraq War? Hillary's a "bigot?" Ya know what's most incredible? The independent fact-checkers all say I'm the biggest liar on two legs, and you guys claim it's the fact-checkers who are lying! That's right! Independent, non-partisan fact-checkers are lying! You're even dumber than I thought!
My lies and flip-flops are astounding...even to me! I've lied to you about the wall. That "Mexico's gonna pay for it." Have you no idea how impossible it'd be to build a wall the entire length of our borders? And how the hell would I "make" Mexico pay for it. I know it sounds good, but did ya ever stop to think how I would actually do that?
I've lied to you about my immigration plan to have a deportation force round up 11-million illegals and ship 'em back wherever they came from. All that tough rhetoric about law and order. You watched as I attacked anyone--like Jeb, Little Marco and Kasich-- who suggested amnesty, yet here I am now "softening" my position. Do you realize what amnesty is? If you don't deport 'em, they stay. If they stay, that's amnesty. And let me tell ya something: "softening" is the new "reneging." Believe me.
I've lied to you about being self-funded. Told you I'm "my own man" and promised I wouldn't take money from big donors, corporations and special interests so I'd be beholden to no one. Now I'm taking money from anyone I can like a desperate whore.
I've mocked Obama and Hillary for using teleprompters, and now I'm using them at every rally like a neutered automaton, reading speeches written for me.
I've attacked Hillary and Obama for losing jobs to foreign countries, yet every suit, shirt, tie and just about everything else I make is outsourced to China, Turkey, Bangladesh and other countries. I'm the biggest hypocrite ever!
I brag to you how rich I am. That's what you love about me. My wealth. That I'm bigly successful in business and will run America the same way. But I refuse to show you my tax returns, which might actually show that I'm broke. Look, you don't even seem to care that I've bankrupted six businesses and have massive debt. Remember when I said "I love debt?" Is that how you want America led? You don't even seem to care about what I may be hiding in those tax returns. And you bought that lame excuse about me being audited. I could release all my returns tomorrow if I want. But I don't. Why? Because it's none of your f'ing business!
I also don't get you evangelicals either. How the hell do you support me!? I'm a good Christian? Ha! I'm a thrice-married serial philanderer who treats religion like crap and has a wife with naked pics all over the internet. And I curse like a 1970's Times Square pimp. I'm everything you hate!
Look, what it comes down to is this: I'm now reneging on everything I promised you in the primaries. I used you. Exploited you. Told you everything I knew you wanted and needed to hear so you could vote for me. I never meant any of it. You think I'm a conservative?! Have you looked into my history? Do you realize I've contributed mostly to Democrats my whole life? Donated about $250,000 to the Clinton Foundation? Had Bill and Hillary at my wedding, in the front row!? And who said this: "I know her and she'd make a good president..." Me!
The biggest laugh of all? That I will appoint conservative Supreme Court judges. Seriously? Me? The New York City playboy with the saucy model wife? I'm probably responsible for more abortions in my life than Planned Parenthood! Many people are saying you must be really, really, really stupid!
And now that I'm reneging on just about every key thing I've promised you, and after lying to you thousands and thousands of times, you still support me. If I don't give you the wall...if I don't deport illegals...if I'm not self-funded... if I'm not truly successful in business...just what the hell is it about me you like so much?! It must be all that sexist racist stuff. That's the only thing I can think of.
Here's the thing I can't believe you don't realize: I don't really care about you! Honestly, I don't! Do you see how I live?! A gold-covered mansion in the sky...private jumbo jets...helicopters. Do you ever think that, maybe, just maybe, I'm trying to limit my contact with you "little people" as much as humanly possible?
But go ahead though and vote for me. And when I'm president I'll screw you over so much it'll make your head spin...