An Open Letter From Donald Trump's Penis

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As Donald Trump's penis, I feel I must weigh in on the growing speculation as to just how big I am. At Thursday's GOP debate, the man whose flabby, out of shape body I am attached to boasted "I guarantee, there's no problem." This was in direct response to Marco Rubio's charge that I am small because Trump has small hands. Well, it's time to set the record straight.

Of course I'm small! Why else would Donny be such a bloated, egotistical, self-aggrandizing, insecure, over-compensating jerk!? The man's been dealing with small-penis syndrome his whole life. Unfortunately for him it's the one thing his money can't change, and it frustrates the hell out of him. Why do you think he spends so much time attacking the masculinity of Marco Rubio and other men (who I hear through the grapevine have really large weiners)?

And why do you think everything else to Trump is always so "YUUUUGE?!" He obsesses over size because I'm microscopic! I'm as flaccid as his policy proposals. Why do you think he wants to abolish the Board if ED? Because he thinks 'ED' stands for 'erectile dysfunction!' He's so insecure about me it's amazing he doesn't debate while sitting in a red Ferrari.

Look, think of me like his real estate deals, which are largely just licensing arrangements: Trump's not actually erecting anything! If he could slap his name on me he would. The trouble is, there's not a font size that small.