An Open Letter From That One Guy Who Organized 3.5 Million Illegal Voters

An incredible achievement!
supershabashnyi via Getty Images

Though he won the election, Donald Trump continues to claim that 3.5 million people voted illegally in the 2016 presidential election, which cost him the popular vote.

Many believe his ego simply can’t handle this slight, regardless of the fact that he still ended up, you know, becoming the president. But certain information has come to light that dramatically changes the story.

This letter was shoved under HuffPost Comedy’s door Wednesday morning. It’s from a person who claims responsibility for the 3.5 million fraudulent votes. Rather than bother to check the veracity of it, we will simply print the letter in its entirety.

Dear America,

As a representative of the Dark Alliance of Social Justice Warriors, I’m here to tell you that Donald Trump’s recent claims of massive voter fraud to the tune of 3.5 million cases ... is correct.

In this letter, I will explain, point by point, how I and my colleagues ― wielding the ancient leftist powers of the underworld ― organized 3.5 million ineligible voters to vote for Hillary Clinton, securing the chiefly important popular vote and giving the Republicans that dreaded, almost unbearable false sense of security of full and unchecked control of Congress, the White House and, by extension, the Supreme Court.

- First, it was all about finding the right people:

  • Felons.
  • Undocumented immigrants.
  • Americans registered to vote in all 50 states with teleportation abilities.
  • Mannequins in stores that you saw in your peripheral vision and thought were real people.
  • Children who could stack on top of one another and wear a single adult overcoat.
  • Animals who can dress and act as humans.
  • Dead people who still have their ghost powers.
  • Hovering drones fitted with human-length clothing.

These were our champions.

– Next, as is custom, we started a Google doc and gave viewing access to all the necessary people.

– Editing access of the Google doc was granted only to those who had the powerful Sigil of Sanders branded onto their body or carried the mythical Dukakis rune stones.

– A triad of Spirit Cookers was employed to grant or deny additional editing access of the Google doc.

– Once we had our 3.5 million participants included in a group text, it was a matter of coordinating times to hit the polls so as not to seem suspicious.

  • For example, drones followed immediately by ghosts, or animals followed immediately by mannequins, would look suspicious. We had to be smart about this.

– Each polling place was surrounded with demon charms blessed by Jane Fonda, giving us added confidence that the popular vote would be ours.

– While we watched the results come in ― which we already knew ahead of time, mwahahaha ― we had a delicious feast at Comet Ping Pong pizzeria in Washington, D.C., attended by some of Hell’s most impressive dignitaries!

And now the inevitable question concerning the rigging of an election: Did we use a standard blank Google doc or the spreadsheet format?

Of course we went with the spreadsheet, for ease of cataloging. We had to be very precise and organized. As Donald Trump has noted, we only wanted to have votes illegally cast in California and New York, because those were the states where a massive voting fraud scheme would matter the very least.

After all, when you orchestrate an incredible, unprecedented series of felonies, the last thing you want to do is affect the actual election. Winning only the popular vote — and not the electoral vote nor critical congressional seats — was just too important to leave to chance. We were very precise.

And so we write you now, belly-laughing over our incredible victory. Just picturing Donald Trump in the Oval Office, signing executive order after executive order, weakening our country’s social safeguards, KNOWING deep down that more people voted for Hillary ― boy, his face must have been reddish orange!

Until next time!

Blessed Be Soros,

(Name withheld)