An Open Letter to Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn

Dear Hank and Annie,

Hey, check it out! Showtime has been overhyping this hot new series about you two crazy kids that starts tonight. Shit man, if you added up all the commercials they've shown for The Tudors, it would last longer than your marriage, you know what I'm sayin'? According to Showtime president Robert Greenblatt, the goal of the new series is to "breathe new life" into the Henry VIII story, offering a "younger and sexier version" of the early 1500s' King of England. Producer Ben Silverman explained Hank's appeal even better. "The fact is, his dick changed the course of history, literally," Silverman said. Whoa, dude!

You kids are the bomb. Your hook-up started out as an adulterous affair, but you were smart, Annie, and wouldn't put out until your guy made some big promises. Forgive me, Anne, but you weren't much of a looker back then--how did you nab my man here, the most powerful hunk in the land? Especially after he'd already bedded and dumped your older sis? Damn, girl, leading him on but stopping just short of the prize was genius. Where did you learn that trick, from your stint in the French court? Why buy la vache when you can get le lait for free, right Annie?

Hank, you wanted our girl here so bad you went ballistic when the Pope refused to annul your 24-year marriage to Ball-and-Chain #1 and declare your daughter Mary a bastard. God, Popes can be such a pain. Man, that Spanish chick Catherine you were married to was quite a piece of work, wasn't she? Ay, caramba, I bet she got that hot-blooded temper from her folks, Ferdinand and Isabella, and I wouldn't be surprised if Catherine was the one who started all that "Great Whore" business about Annie. What a slap in the face when that loser Pope excommunicated you, Hank! But you had the last laugh when you bounced him and his religion out on their uptight asses and declared yourself the leader of the new Church of England. Awesome move, dude. And it cleared the way for THE wedding of the 16th century. Damn, has it really been 474 years--it seems like yesterday! You took our little Annie here by the hand (I never believed those rumors about that sixth finger, girl) and promised yourself to her for eternity. Or at least until she could give you a male heir, right, dog? Of course both of you knew that she already had a royal bun in the oven. Bummer that it was a girl, Annie.

Hank, isn't it funny how the very qualities that most attract us to a hot chick at the beginning of a relationship can be the same ones that make us want to behead her later on? Annie, I'm guessing you played hooky the day they taught that class on "How to be a Subservient Wife and Queen." Not a good move to keep hocking your man for a thousand days. And you should have let him slide with those Ladies-in-Waiting, girl. Yo, don't forget that you were one of Queen Catherine's ladies when you started getting' busy with the big guy. Besides, anyone could see that Jane Seymour wouldn't make it through the next smallpox epidemic, why couldn't you just wait it out? If only those boy babies you carried weren't born dead, you could have outlasted that homewrecking wuss. But then that Seymour biatch got knocked up and there was hope once again for a male heir. Sorry, girl, you were toast, even your own family members gave you up. Except for George, now there was one loving brother. Too loving, maybe? Hank, that was a low blow to accuse Annie of adultery with all those guys. You knew most of those dudes were gay. And then to add George to her list of lovers and accuse her of incest--ouch! I knew you were innocent, Annie, no matter what that mofo Cromwell said.

Do you believe in karma, Hank? Check it out, Jane Seymour finally gave you a son but then dropped dead from puerpal fever 10 days later. You just lost it at that point, didn't you, dog? Your next wife, that Cleves chick, was a disaster, but at least she had the good sense to run for the hills right after the honeymoon. And then to hook up with Annie's little cousin, Catherine Howard, what were you thinking, dude? Forget the fact that she was young enough to be your daughter--that girl was trouble! I guess the Boleyns paid you back big time with that one because Chatty Cathy started doing all the things you'd accused her cousin of. At least when you lobbed that ho's head off, she was guilty of something. You were damn lucky to get that last Queen of yours considering how you'd let yourself go. Jesus, bro, lay off the mutton legs and roast grouse. Catherine Parr managed to outlive you, Hank, but she shouldn't have hooked up with your ex-brother-in-law, Tommy Seymour. She got pregnant at the ripe old age of 40 and died in childbirth. Holy shit, none of your wives ever caught a break, did they?

Sorry to be such a downer, kids, let's just remember the love. Annie, it had to feel good when your daughter--you know, the one who was declared a bastard when you were offed--outlived her two crazy siblings and became one of the most powerful monarchs ever to sit on the English throne. Dang, Elizabeth ruled for 44 years, that was even longer than your reign, Hank! I wonder why she never married. Do you think it had anything to do with her dad having her mom beheaded? Just askin'.

Hey, check it out, you two are more famous today than you ever were. Annie, you've had some of the hottest babes in Hollywood playing you. Merle Oberon and Genevieve Bujold got nominated for Oscars, and you can also see Dorothy Tutin, Charlotte Rampling, Vanessa Redgrave, Helena Bonham Carter, and even Natalie Portman donning your bad-ass threads. Hank, you know that Charles Laughton won the Big O for playing you, dude, and Richard Burton also got to try on the royal codpiece.

But, kids, you're gonna flip out when you see the new Showtime series, No more fat dudes wheezing and hobbling on their gout-infested legs, Hank, in The Tudors you're played by superhunky Jonathan Rhys Meyers. You know, that dude with Angelina Jolie's sexy lips?

And don't worry, Annie, no historically accurate fugly actress for you, our new Boleyn babe is the smokin' hot Natalie Dormer. I'd like to see someone call her "the Great Whore" and live to tell the tale. They're using fast-paced editing techniques and some of the episodes are being helmed by the director of "Desperate Housewives." True, some British historians are bugging out over the portrayal of Henry VIII as a hypersexed, promiscuous stud muffin, but hey, dogs, I say give the people what they want!

Hank, Annie--you two rock!