An Open Letter to the LA Parking Bureau

Dear LA Parking Violations Bureau:

Yesterday morning I was ticketed after misreading a ten foot totem pole of parking signs that Steven Hawking couldn't decode, let alone a hungover blonde.

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That night I got another ticket because I didn't notice they had spontaneously painted half my block red for no apparent reason apart from ruining my life. I now spend more a year on parking tickets than I do on healthcare. ObamaParkingCare, please. I would definitely start budgeting in parking tickets, if I was the sort of person who budgeted. Day and night I live in a state of constant panic that my car is about to be ticketed. Unlike some cities, you even give people trivial parking tickets on Sundays reinforcing my theory that you are satanic devil worshipers.

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All this would be manageable if I had money, which I don't. I'm flat broke and any money I do have gets immediately stolen by the savage, circling vultures you employ. Tickets around town range from $64 to $84 which feels discriminatory against the poor considering it's we who can afford neither garage nor valet -- just the sort of robbing the poor to feed the rich situation Robin Hood fought. Can you really fine someone for being not the brightest crayon in the box? Should I be so gravely and frequently punished for having a rare mental condition that allows me to believe it's Monday on a Friday? Sixty-Four dollars may not be a lot to you but I sometimes have to eat the free cheese at Whole Foods for dinner so each ticket is a lancing blow to the kidney.

Who strategizes your parking rules? Tywin Lannister? Whoever it is deserves some kind of genius award because they foil me every single time, not that it's hard because I also have other brain disorders like thinking I'm only going to need 60 minutes at the hair salon and believing no one would have the heart to fine me for crossing half a fingernail into a red zone.

On another note, you should really congratulate your meter maids. They take their job EXTREMELY seriously. If all government employees took their jobs as seriously we would have world peace and the American dollar would be worth £12. What are you doing to these people? Waterboarding them if they don't hit the daily quota?

Look. I'm an idiot. I know I'm an idiot. I take responsibility for the majority of the stupid tickets but here's the thing: I'M DOING MY BEST. I'm honestly and truly doing my best. Can you at least make the parking signs readable? A sliding scale to ensure that I don't pay more in parking tickets annually than my crap Pontiac is worth? Stop giving your employees free yachts for every 1000th ticket they issue?? I hear a rumor that you are considering being merciful enough to rethink your laws and make it easier. PLEASE do. If you do, it will greatly increase the quality of life of Angelenos, especially lower income drivers and especially, especially, me. If you don't, I'm going to send a glitter gram to every single person in your office.

Sincerely,

Kelly MacLean