An Open Letter to the Stanford Rape Victim

First of all, I hate calling you victim. I'm not quite sure why, maybe because I almost feel like the word itself implies a lack of power, and you are obviously so very brave and powerful. Perhaps Stanford Survivor or Stanford Badass?

The story came on the news again last night and my nine-year-old daughter asked what a rap-ist is, as if he could spin hella rhymes, yo (you'd laugh if you saw me say that out loud in my suburban, white, mid-thirties mother-of-five glory.) I had a discussion with her, right there during the news, about what rape is, in terms she can understand. Her first comment was, "That never would've happened if she hadn't been drinking so much alcohol."

I sat for a minute, stunned, and made a decision to really go there with her - because it's important, it's imperative she know that drinking too much is never ever an invitation for someone else to put their hands on her. Drinking is never an excuse for someone to view her as an object. It's never a reason for someone to treat her with any less care or respect than they would if alcohol weren't a factor. Drinking too much happens sometimes. Rape does not simply "happen sometimes". Drinking too much was a conscious choice that you were allowed to make, with the reasonable expectation of a hangover. Rape has nothing to do with a choice...that's kind of why it's rape.

We talked about you personally, and why you're strong and brave and how difficult that must be for you. We talked about why it's important to be strong and brave in these situations, and it's important to also have faith in the support systems you have because they are there to hold you up when you can no longer be strong and brave. We talked about why it's so important to surround yourself with amazing people who will be there for you when you have nothing left to give. It's easier to shoulder a difficult burden when you have the right people standing next to you.

I wrote a piece last fall entitled, "Please Don't Threaten My Son For Dating Your Daughter" and it caught fire. To date, it's been published and republished on more sites in more countries and languages than I can even keep track of anymore. I stand by that piece because I believe it's true - it's not okay to threaten a boy for taking your daughter out on a date. My argument is that we should teach our kids maturity, responsibility, and respect by showing them maturity, responsibility, and respect. The majority of people who have contacted me in the months since the piece was published agree with what I have to say. Those who disagree tend to do so because of young men like Brock Turner. And there's really no argument to that. Those guys exist and, in fact, often look just like the clean and polished All-American boyfriend you would willingly choose for your daughter. Therein lies the rub.

However, what we can do about it is make sure those criminals who commit felonies such as Brock pay a steep price. We can hold them accountable. And, while it's difficult and heartbreakingly sad as parents to do so, we can ensure our children learn by paying the consequences for their actions, even "20 minutes of action" that result in the potential for a fourteen-year jail sentence. Sadly, Brock's father's letter only goes to show how little they're willing to do that. Sadly, the complete miscarriage of justice, in this case, has once again proven that being a certain type of human means you're above the law more than others, that the "severe impact" is more devastating to one type than another.

Not only is it infuriating but also sickening that Brock doesn't seem to truly get what the big deal is, here. It's a horrendous travesty that the system has failed, continues to fail in this case. The bigger tragedy here, though, is that so many people still blame alcohol, promiscuity, the "college party culture" instead of placing blame squarely where it should be - on the rapist's shoulders. Even more people place blame correctly, but then weaken it with some variation of excuse, i.e. "...rapes on campus aren't always because people are rapists" (Newsflash: That's exactly why rapes occur), or, If they hadn't been drinking this would never have happened. This should never have happened, period. I know plenty of human beings who drank to excess on at least one occasion and never managed to rape someone. It's staggeringly possible.

But I'm not telling you anything you don't know or anything you didn't already pen in your amazingly poignant statement which I've now read five times, not without tears.

I find myself in a weird place with this story at age 35. I feel like I'm halfway between being there myself and my daughters being there, and I've felt this story reverberate along both of those lines. I'm not sure which is more shocking, for me.

I want you to know that you mentioned the two heroes in this story - the graduate students who found you and chased Brock down - and they are heroes to the nth degree. But you, as well, are a hero. You, without wanting any of this, have battled through unimaginable horrors to get to this point today. You stood up, continued to stand even when your legs were shaking, and told your truth. You have faced down demons that many of us have never had to face and you've walked a terrible road to get here today. You've done that for yourself, for your loved ones, for justice, but it's important that you know how many lives you have touched in the process. Because of you, I had another discussion with my children (my daughters and my sons) about respecting others and helping not harming. Because of you, conversations around me have opened up to a subject that is otherwise very difficult to discuss. Because of you, many other victims (survivors, badasses) have found courage and support and respite. Because of you, your bravery, your strength, your courage...lives have changed for the better.

Brock may never get it; that's just the reality of the situation. Brock may go to the grave claiming "party culture and promiscuity". But we get it. So many people get it. Because of you. Your decision to face unimaginable horrors, to scream in the forest but come home and continue on being the best way you knew how, your decision to continue standing and saying, "No. Not okay," has created a positive ripple effect that none of us can measure just yet.

I send so much love and light across the miles to you and your loved ones, and I send immense gratitude. You may never know the enormity of the impact you've had on millions of strangers, but I can tell you with certainty you've had an impact on me. Thank you for your courage and your determination to fight through this tragedy and do what's honest and what's right.

Sincerely,
A mom