Dear Well-Meaning White Boys Who Approach Me Online:
You’re cute, but you’re probably racists.
I know this is tough to hear – you’re one of the good ones after all, and being called a racist is way worse than being a victim of racism. And dating is hard! Believe me, I know. I’m a single, overweight, overeducated Black woman living in New York City so I know. And it must seem daunting to navigate the already complicated world of dating in the city without factoring in the influence of centuries of global oppression of Black people on the way you interact with Black girls online. I sometimes have to catch myself too! I would be lying if I said there weren’t times I was checking out a guy and had to stop and ask myself, wait, is he actually cute, or just white with a visible jawline? We all have internalized prejudices to overcome. You probably think you’ve already overcome them (since you want to date me) but honestly, your profiles and messages say otherwise. I know you mean well, but you’re not quite there yet.
“When you profess a love of ‘gangsta rap’ but you listen to Drake, I just don’t think I can take you seriously.”
When you post multiple pictures of you volunteering and playing with groups of Black children but not a single photo of you with an adult Black colleague or friend, I get a little concerned about why Black peers with autonomy don’t want to hang out with you. Instead of showing me that your heart is so big it has room for Black and Brown kids, it kind of makes me wonder whether you see me as a person or as a prop in your stage play White Liberal! I’m Woke Now. And who consented to you using Black children’s vulnerability to get a girlfriend? You’re not the hero of this story, and you don’t get to play Captain Save-a-Negro with me.
When you profess a love of ‘gangsta rap’ but your most listened-to artist on Spotify is Drake, I just don’t think I can take you seriously. Do you actually know what gangsta rap is or do you just like the sound of your voice saying you like gangsta rap? Did you think that would give you street cred? Is all rap gangsta rap? Is it gangsta because a Black person did it? Whatever, I’m still in disbelief that Views was nominated for the Rap Album of the Year Grammy. Congrats on your assumption that listening to gangsta rap would impress me though. Come back to me when you want to talk about The Killers B-sides.
When you fall all over yourself to reassure me that you date Black girls, I get a little confused. I already figured you were okay with dating Black girls, and that’s why you messaged me – a Black girl – on this – a dating site. It kind of feels like you’re looking for a thank you or for approval, neither of which I intend to give you. Finding Black bodies attractive gives me no indication as to whether you know Black lives matter and Black people are worthy of respect and protection. Just ask Daniel Holtzclaw. Or Strom Thurmond. Or Thomas Jefferson. Or your Grandpa.
“When you fall all over yourself to reassure me that you date Black girls, I get a little confused.”
When you tell me you’ve never dated a Black girl, I definitely start to get nervous. First of all, it is bizarre to me that you’ve gone all 25-35 years of your life without ever dating a Black girl; and second of all, what is this, an exploratory mission? I don’t want to be a notch in your bedpost, or worse, be the one to tuck you in at night and read Beginner’s Guide to Black People: Girls Edition. I’ve done it before. It was exhausting. I won’t go back.
When you actually send me a good message but on your profile you casually mention a strong preference for dating white girls, I do not trust you at all. What are you even doing messaging me? Do you have any respect for me at all? How low do I fall on your list of acceptable romantic partners? Please don’t try to tell me it’s not racist and it’s just a preference, as if that somehow makes it immune to the racism virus – that line of thinking is lazy and you would think a guy working on his post-grad would have less faulty reasoning skills. Black girls come in literally all shapes, sizes, and colors, so if you categorically do not prefer us, all you’re telling me is that you have been successfully indoctrinated into thinking Blackness is undesirable. There’s a word for that.
Oh, and one last thing: don’t bother telling me I’m not like other Black people. I don’t take that as a compliment. Other Black people are great, and proximity to whiteness has no value to me. I hope you understand now, Well-Meaning White Boys, that years of schooling at elite institutions, months of campaigning against Trump, weeks of marching for women, and these few days of wanting to bone me haven’t actually completely eradicated you of these racist tendencies. Keep working at it! For both our sakes.
Best wishes,
Madiba