People often ask me, “How do you train for a marathon?” Given that I just ran my 60th marathon, here are my tips:
Tip 1: Eat Doritos for breakfast. Forget the healthy stuff! Salt is one of the most important replacements you will need to run a marathon: the blood, sweat, and tears you put into training will need to be replaced with sodium. If you are a freak of nature and don’t like Doritos then go for salt & vinegar chips—they may be an acquired taste, but so is marathon running.
Tip 2: Lose weight in order to lose weight. Mixed messages? Yup. I know this doesn’t fit with a Doritos-based diet, but people think you run to lose weight. The annoying fact is that you also need to lose weight to run. You need to remain aerodynamically ideal so your knees don’t deteriorate from hauling excess weight. After all, there is a reason why most elite marathon runners look like skeletons in awful shorts. If you need a good pic for your Tinder profile, become a sprinter instead.
Tip 3: Whine all you want. I know opening your eyes to wake up is not easy. Nor is tying your sneakers. Let alone putting one foot in front of the other at a faster-than-walking pace. So whine all you want as long as you are whining on the road, with your eyes open, wearing sneakers, and moving at a faster-than-walking pace! Voila! You are running!
Tip 4: Be that person #humblebrag. “Oh! I need to go to sleep early because I’m waking up early for my long run…Yeah, well I had to buy new clothes because nothing fits since I started running…Can you believe I won the lottery and got into the New York City Marathon?” The more you brag and the more people who know you’re planning to run a marathon, the less likely you are to bail on running. But beware because humble bragging is contagious and you might hear yourself saying…“Well I only got an A- on that” or “It takes forever to charge my Tesla.”
Tip 5: Start hanging out with psychos. There is no one more deranged than someone who will wake up at an ungodly hour, in pitch darkness, to go for a jog with you. “We’re workout buddies” is code for like-minded, sporty friends who are loony enough to choose running over a more civilized glass of wine together. You are definitely more likely to make up lame excuses and skip running if you are left to your own devices, so rope in a friend to run with you. (Psychos who like to talk and run at the same time make the best running mates).
Tip 6: Embrace the monotony. Running is often maligned as a boring pastime. Really?? Hello! Please note all the smartphone zombies surrounding you right now. Let me put it to you another way, would you rather spend ten minutes mindlessly scrolling through your social media feeds or spend that time running a mile after which you a) enjoy an authentic spike in feel-good dopamine levels and b) can take a killer sweaty selfie to post on said social media feeds? ‘Nuff said.
Tip 7: Vaseline is your new best friend. I have but three words: bloody nipples hurt.
Tip 8: Avoid stretching! Stretching is for sissies and has been shown to be unhelpful and possibly even harmful to running. When you don’t usually stretch AND you don’t usually run, doing both in combination could more easily lead to popped tendons, pulled hamstrings, and other such maladies. Indeed, there have been credible scientific studies that have shown that there is an inverse relationship between lower leg joint flexibility and running economically. In other words, the harder for a runner to touch her toes, the more economical her running is. This is good news for all of us unlimber, unbendy, impatient people. Stay inflexible.
Tip 9: The fluffier the better. Let’s face it, you don’t find lines of people camping overnight for the latest marathon kit…but don’t let that fool you, running gear matters. Cushioning is key to having any longevity in a pounding endurance sport like marathon running. Invest in a good pair of running socks. (I am partial to socks from Sweaty Betty and Balega. And buy a pair of running shoes that work for you (I am a Saucony aficionado).
Tip 10: Don’t listen to me!!! Don’t take my word for it. After all, I am just an obsessive-compulsive person who has run 60 marathons and counting. (Fastest time: 3.31; favorite marathons: China Coast Marathon & Brooklyn Marathon; favorite post-marathon meal: Cool Ranch Doritos; regular pre-marathon meal: crunchy peanut butter on wheat toast; most regretted pre-marathon meal: kimchi fried rice). Read other, more scientific, useful blogs about marathon training so you can learn how to properly hydrate yourself (spoiler alert: drink water!), what mileage you should be clocking, how to sync your Apple watch to your Fitbit thingamabobby, what apps to use to track your training, etc. And for those of you who enjoy the old-fashioned art form called reading a book, I highly recommend these to inspire you (or just to sound like you know what you are talking about when you talk about running):
- Born to Run by journalist Christopher Macdougal
- Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All Night Runner by ultramarathon marvel Dean Karnazes
- Shoe Dog by Nike’s founder Phil Knight
NOW STOP READING THIS BLOG! Lace up your sneakers and get out there!!!
This post is dedicated to all my psycho-running friends.