Ana Gasteyer knows the good, bad and ugly sides of raising kids today.
The “Saturday Night Live” alum has a 14-year-old daughter, Frances, and a 9-year-old son, Ulysses. She often vents her parenting frustrations and shares hilarious stories and musings on Twitter.
In honor of Gasteyer’s 50th birthday Thursday, we’ve rounded up her funniest, wisest and most spot-on parenting tweets.
When my kids grow up, I'm gonna invite myself to dinner at their houses, demand mac n cheese, then tell them it's gross.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 14, 2012
Parenting tip: if you want to get your kids ready to leave the house faster, relentlessly song 'All That Jazz' in a Billie Holiday voice.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) April 27, 2013
My son changed my Apple name to Fat Bob and I can't figure out how to change it back.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) May 23, 2015
I rue the day all parents surrendered en masse and agreed to cut off the crust.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 29, 2013
My son just answered his toy cell phone and said "Elaine, we both know you're too old for me."
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 15, 2014
I feel there is a #NationalDay scam afoot. Example: this is like the third #NationalDonutDay since February, oh wait it's my kids
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) June 3, 2016
Now that my kids are a little older, I love that I'm really able to engage in a conversation with another adult and fini
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) August 26, 2014
One of my top goals as a mother is to raise children who are not the asshole who ruins Book Club.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) May 22, 2015
Super creepy. Not only did the Tooth Fairy blow off our kid last night, there was an empty bottle of wine and 2 glasses on the counter.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) April 6, 2012
Fun arcade game for parents: an updated Whack-A-Mole featuring small children popping out of their beds all night.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) August 25, 2013
We want to keep our sex life private, so my husband I tell our kids we are 'just roommates'.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) June 29, 2012
Daughter just made me turn off 'Jolene', cuz "I don't have a boyfriend, but this song makes me sad he's cheating on me anyway."
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) December 20, 2016
When I see quiet, well-behaved children in a restaurant, I have to wonder how far in advance their parents gave them the Dramamine.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) April 28, 2012
RT if you secretly tweet on the can so your family doesn't catch you
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) June 10, 2012
What with Dance Marathons no longer popular, I'm really stumped trying to think of a way to monetize my kids' aversion to sleep.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) February 5, 2014
If my kids write my epitaph, it will read 'Here lies Mother, who always seemed to want a Nap'.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) May 13, 2013
Just told my kids I "forgot to sign up for the Easter Bunny'". So more of a standard issue Mom failure vs destruction of childhood dream.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 30, 2013
Sometimes when my phone's dying I feel like God is mad at me for having so much fun on Twitter, plus ignoring my kids by staring at a phone.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) June 1, 2012
You guys my husband just asked if the cello payers were the other 19 pilots & my daughter is so pissed. #snl
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) October 9, 2016
Often before tweeting, I stop & think "Who will read this? Will my family be embarrassed by me?",but then I forget and hit the tweet button.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) July 10, 2012
A prayer for my kids: May you not marry those A-holes who leave concerts & ballgames early to beat the traffic. The endings are good.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) November 11, 2012
Moms: now is the perfect time to tell your husband that his Father's Day gift tomorrow will be the fact that you always replenish the TP.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) June 16, 2012
My daughter just suggested that I go as the cut character "Fun Bummer" from Inside Out. #halloween
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) October 31, 2015
Frosting is the Guinness of Kids.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 17, 2013
Working on a cross-stitch pattern for working moms which reads "Somewhere, Right now, Someone Is Pissed Off at Me". T
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) June 12, 2012
Beautiful moment of family connection tonight around our shared excitement over the new middle finger emoji.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) October 22, 2015
It's really important to me that my kids learn another language, which is one of the reasons I'm teaching them to speak Ikea at an early age
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) April 11, 2012
I figure if I've taught my kids to tie their shoes, ride a bike and not to read the Internet Comments I've done my job.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) April 19, 2013
Public apology to my family for how often I make turkey chili. Doing the best I can with what God gave me.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 22, 2016
My ability to nap is rivaled only by my children's resistance to sleeping at night.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) January 22, 2014
My son just whipped a juice box across the room cuz no one laughed at his joke. Runs in the family.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) April 27, 2012
Whoever said all children are angels never met the little shit with the Super Soaker at the playground today.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) July 24, 2012
My kid just correctly noted that Fractions are only useful if you grow up to become a Pizza Maker.#ProudMemberOfASmertFambly
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) December 10, 2012
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