1. You hosted a birthday party that began before 10 a.m. and didn't provide caffeine.
2. The cupcakes were lavish and piled with icing, with no Wet Wipes in sight. Unfortunately your kid's favorite color is blue and I just got my car detailed.
3. You sprung for that cool indoor trampoline place, but didn't have extra pairs of socks on hand for the kids that forgot theirs.
4. You didn't give a gift receipt.
5. You issued a RSVP deadline... for a party that takes place in your backyard. Are there place cards? Why the need to know if we're coming 14 days out? (Oh wait, you're a Pinterest mom. Ignore this one. You're personalizing each goody bag. Thanks in advance!)
6. You waited until the designated end time of the party to cut the cake. My son really wants a slice of a Minion eyeball. But my older child is waiting at home for her soccer game. If you don't cut the cake at a reasonable time, one kid loses. Let's give one another a chance to duck out early if necessary -- there are a lot of competing events on Saturdays.
7. You're totally cool with siblings coming to your party, but you didn't let us know on the invitation. Take the guesswork out if it's the more the merrier. The value of my gift will directly correlate with the number of my children you feed.
8. There was no one on favor duty. So we had to do the awkward slow walk by the favor table on our way out. We know one of them is for us, but we can't just grab it. Host mom, you've got a lot going on and you're gonna forget about the first kids to leave which means their moms have to hear about the favor all the way home. Ask Grandma to man the favor table.
9. Your favor was non-washable markers.
10. You passive-aggressively asked if my son liked your gift when I saw you at school a month later. It's 2016. I propose that from this point forward, individual email or individual text thank yous suffice to acknowledge a gift when the recipient cannot yet write. Because the task of hand writing notes keeps all moms up at night.
11. You tend to skip birthday parties in the summer because you need a break from the whole routine. I get it. But summer-born kids want parties, too. They don't get their own special day during the school year: They share the birthday song with all the other June/July/August birthdays on a day in May. And they've waited 11 months and 29 days for this party, just like your kid. So if you're in town, stop by our (unbearably hot) parties, even if just for a bit. I bet there will be a mimosa waiting for you.
And coffee.