Angering Somebody Else's God

Newspapers across Europe have enraged those so very highly enrageable Muslims by cartooning Allah and causing those feeling blasphemed upon to think themselves sent by their lampooned Deity on a mission to take a variety of revenges including the always popular embassy burning.

Can the other Gods be far behind?

And there are so many to have to watch out for: Jesus and Moses along with Zoroaster, whoever Wiccans worship, Satan, Celtic Gods, Polynesian Gods, Aztec, Hindu Gods, Goddesses of the Near-East Realm, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Pilipino Deities, Lusitani Gods, Scandinavian, Tibetan, Norse Gods, Apotheothenai (humans made Gods by other Gods), African, Native American, Inca, Egyptian, Mayan, Phoenician, Persian, Slavic, Greek, Roman-Etruscan Gods and Demi-Gods are all standing by and waiting to be pissed at you for making fun of them.

They're more than happy to send their followers around to kick your ass. Or perhaps those followers have made up their minds on their own. Or even worse, thought that their particular God was speaking to them, Mr. President.

Noted religious entrepreneur Jerry Falwell blamed Katrina's destruction on HIS God's anger over rampant fun and too much sex with too many people in New Orleans. He should have blamed Clermeil, the Voodoo God who, when angered makes rivers overflow. Everybody knows it was Clermeil who did it.

With so many thousands of Gods watching our every move, no wonder the world is in such a pickle. The Gods must work overtime at smiting. You may have been smitten yourself and not even have known it. Remember the last time you said, "Goddamnit!?" Ended up with a handful of worthless Powerball tickets, didn't you?

The real problem arises when the people who worship whatever particular God you've offended get wind of it. You had better watch your ass then, buster. Ask Salmon Rushdie. Ask the poor schmuck who is out of a job because he ran Mohammed cartoons in the French paper he no longer edits.

Or ask Danish filmmaker Theo van Gogh. Oh wait, you can't ask him. An Allah fan killed him for making a film about how Muslims treat their women like so many pieces of furniture.

Best to make fun of Agunua the Serpent God of the Solomon Islands (and all this time I thought Solomon BURKE was the God of the Solomon Islands). All the other Salomon Island Gods are just one aspect of Agunua, so if you make a cartoon about Agunua, you're taking on all the other SIG's.

Taking on a God like Australia's Daramulun is another thing, entirely. That boy is not only heroic, but is usually pictured with his mouth full of quartz (for some reason) and brandishing both a stone axe and a massive phallus. There's a God you shouldn't want to mess with.

One thing is certain; believers do not have a sense of humor.

So Denmark, already on Allah's "terrorist watch list," Norway, France, Germany, Italy, Spain and since you can find them online, the whole damned (literally) world has seen caricatures of Allah. Religious fanatics are taking to the streets in violent protest over what again? Some cartoons?

Here is the face of your enemy, America. And they wonder why we laugh?

In 2002 there was another religious cartoon dust-up. An Austrian comic portrayed Jesus as a life-long doper who got hooked by the Wise Men's frankincense. The Archbishop of Vienna, in a Mullah-like stroke of insight described it as an attack on democracy.

At times like this, I find comfort in the words of Christopher Hitchens. When asked what would be the one thing that could bring world peace, he allowed that outlawing all religion would be a good way to start.

I'm sure if the Archbishop of the Aboriginal Church of Daramulun read what I had to say, he would be at my front door with a mouth full of quartz and massive phallus in hand. I'm planning to prevent my wife from answering the door for the next few weeks, just in case.

What am I doing about all of this? I'm praying to the Great and Holy, Most High and Exalted God who sees all, hears all, and sits on the throne of heaven directing the quick and the dead.....Louis Armstrong.

C'mon Pops, you gotta know somebody who will cut him if he stands and shoot him if he runs.