On a rainy autumn afternoon after a tense discussion with her boss Ana felt the rain depicted exactly how she was feeling. Miserable and cold. She did not look forward to spending that evening at home. That was surprising for her as Ana used to like spending time in her cosy home covered by a blanket and sipping a cup of tea on a large sofa. This time she just wanted to cry. Disappear. Run away from herself. Sleep for days. She felt low, small and ugly. The last thing she wanted was to see her husband that evening. For the last few months, Ana and Vlad had small quarrels over trifling things. She felt uncared for. Lonely. Rejected. No sex. No laughs. No love was flowing from her.
“What is going on?” Ana started her conversation with herself. A usual matter when Ana had a few things not working for her, the inner Ana-the-critique became an inevitable dialogue companion. “I can’t seem to make it work with anyone. I feel like a loser.”
“You certainly are, my dear. It happened the same way with Sergey. You seem to ruin all relationships you have. You can’t make it work” – said inner Ana-the-critique.
Ana: “What am I doing wrong? Is it my destiny to end up this way? What can I change in myself to make it work?”
Inner Ana: “Don’t fool yourself, dear. You can’t change yourself. You are the way you are born. Remember you had similar issues when you were little, with boys? And your dad didn’t really want you. He wanted a boy. You were never going to be good enough for him even when he said that he loved you”.
Ana: “I feel so ill these days, I feel like I’m breaking into parts… I need help. There must be a way out of this negative circle of inner doubt and broken feelings. I thought I loved him. I don’t know anymore. I don’t want to see him. I feel like we are different people and I don’t know him. I thought I did. I thought I wanted to be with him all my life. Well, I did doubt to be honest. Maybe this is a problem. I did doubt everything. I don’t know who I am looking for and waiting for someone to make me happy…”
“Yeah, you are looking for someone who is looking for someone else, not you. Have you seen yourself in a mirror? When was the last time you went to a gym? You keep promising to lose weight and you seem to have been having the same issue for the last five years!” – raised her voice inner Ana-the-critique.
“I know, please don’t make it worse. I just want to feel good. I don’t have another way to comfort myself apart from eating…” – continued Ana.
Suddenly inner Ana-the-motivator woke up. “Hold on here, you don’t? There are a tons of things you can do to comfort yourself apart from eating! Remember you made plans to travel together with Vlad and it did work to lose a few kilos. You also had a few hobbies that you don’t do these days because of the weather but you could start drawing inside the house. I know you like it outside and it’s more inspiring but hey, you can make it work anywhere inside or outside.”
“But I’m afraid I will spoil the carpet if I start painting inside the house…” – started Anna.
“There are no barriers for creating a masterpiece” – interrupted inner Anna-the-motivator. “Get out of this gloomy-doomy mood. Remember what your coach once said to you when you had issues with your boyfriend? Every relationship has shit and chocolate. They look the same but they taste different but you need to eat both of them at times. So here you go, you are having a shitty part of your relationship. Now wait for the chocolatey part. You will feel better soon.” – said inner Ana-the-motivator.
“Oh, I wish it was that simple. I know it’s shitty and I hate it. I hate myself for being in this horrible place” – continued Ana.
“That’s ok. You need a bit of that as well. Hate the way you look and start doing something about that. How about we start doing morning exercises again? Or let’s go running on a daily basis before work?” – said inner Ana-the-motivator.
“It’s dark and cold in the morning, I don’t like running in the dark and in the evening it’s too late and it’s dark again” – said Ana.
“Ok, that’s fine. Let’s get that running machine from the cellar then. The one you carefully saved for that rainy day!” – continued Ana-the-motivator. “You will love the way you look, on that beach in Bali you hoped to go to with Vlad this summer!” – said Ana-the-motivator gustily.
“Ok, but I need help getting it out and I just had a fight with him on the phone. He is in a bad mood” – continued Ana.
“Fine, why don’t you talk to him and explain what you are going through at work and emotionally and that you have a plan to start your new-body-project for the summer? He will like that and I’m sure will help you out with that machine in the cellar”.
“Well, I could ask him tonight. We have nothing planned and I don’t want to have another fight with him. So… yes, I will talk to him about bringing it out and start doing something. I hate the fact that it took me so long to…” – started Ana.
“Stop it!” – cried Ana-the-motivator. “Stop this negative bullshit! Just do it and you will feel better”.
“Ok, ok, don’t shout. It drives me crazy” – calmed down Ana.
After a five-minute self-reflection which felt like an hour, Ana arrived home and saw a messy kitchen that she had forgotten to clean before leaving for work. “How could I leave this mess at home?” She thought and started cleaning the dishes thinking about how she would meet Vlad and apologise for the way she had talked to him on the phone earlier.
Two hours later, she was thinking about that trip to Bali and imagined her nice toned body on a beach, while she was exercising on the running machine that Vlad had brought from the cellar.
Author: Darya Haitoglou, Psychologist & Relationship Coach, MSc(Dist), MPhil, MTNLP, PCC
Darya is an acclaimed and sought-after expert who helps others create successful relationships in life, in business and within the family. She works on an international level, coaching high profile families and top business executives on the art of building high quality, mutually rewarding relationships. She is an author of the book called Enrich Your Relationships. She also leads seminars and workshops around the world on inter-personal skills and stress reduction.
To learn more how to work with Darya visit www.daryahaitoglou.com