Anthony Weiner really should have won that New York City mayoral race. Tall, skinny, loud, and obnoxious, he's everything the city needed to succeed.
All his loss proves is that five percent of voters are intelligent beyond belief while the remaining 95 percent were tricked by the likes of Christine Quinn, William Thompson, and Bill de Blasio. Oh, if only the winds had blown in a new direction we could have enjoyed Weinerdom for years to come.
Alas! such is not the case. Yet we can still reflect on what could have been.
Here are six reasons Anthony Weiner still deserves to be New York City's grandiose mayor.
1. Anthony Weiner is a dummy. Michael Bloomberg is a strong presence in New York City. He's an intelligent businessman with an extensive network of influential leaders at his side. Unfortunately he uses these traits to get things done, things many people would deem bad policies. In other words, Bloomberg is literally too smart for office. New York City needs a power player who sits back, accidentally traps the government in a standstill, and forgets how to tie his shoes in the morning. And what better choice do we have been a man who lost his seat in Congress after sexting a crotch shot to some random girl in Seattle? Not only this, he used the sexy handle "Carlos Danger" (seriously?) and then proceeded to show his face in the photographs. Yes, it's quite reasonable to believe an Anthony Weiner administration would produce zero legislative bills -- and that's exactly what New York City needs after Bloomberg's tenure.
2. Anthony Weiner is scandalous and ready for the press. We can consider his administration a steroid injection into the arms of every single front page editor at the New York Post. What are they possibly going to do with Bill de Blasio? Run sarcastic minutes of his town hall meetings under the title "Bill de Blah-Blah-Blasio"? Print in large block letters "Bill Takes a Spill" when he inadvertently slips down the stairs at Grand Central Terminal? Lord, if only voters had pictured the possibilities for New York Post headlines featuring Weiner's proud mug -- "Weiner Thrusts Ahead, Mounts Bloomberg" -- maybe he would have won.
3. The company Anthony Weiner keeps is fascinating. Among his most prestigious endorsements is Jimmy "The Rent Is Too Damn High!" McMillan, whose boisterous and fiery speeches on the inflated housing market unified the city in a way it hadn't been in years. And let's face it -- anyone who can grow that kind of beard deserves to be listened to. Barbara Morgan, the Weiner campaign's communications director, is equally transfixing. The blonde-haired, blue-eyed bombshell is a fierce spokeswoman, one trait that any New Yorker will agree most press conferences are lacking. Plus, she's loyal to Weiner through thick and thin, calling a former campaign intern who published a hit piece in the New York Daily News a "fucking slutbag [and] little c**t." This would prove especially amusing during the inevitable scandal eruptions mentioned earlier. Speaking of which...
4. Anthony Weiner's enemies are either annoying or insane. Moving past the ungrateful intern who used her trusted position to launch a "journalism" career at an effectively unknown website, the most notable critics in this race consisted of David Axelrod, the bland operative in charge of strategizing for Obama's two campaigns; Eliot Spitzer, who spent his public salary on prostitutes and recently failed in a bid to control the entire city's salary fund; and Donald Trump, who joined Vine for no other reason than to make anti-Weiner videos. Last but not least: Sydney Leathers. She could have made his campaign look really bad after the phone sex revelation, but she ended up opting for lewd interview segments, a fake sex tape, and an actual porn shoot in a manner that somehow made Weiner appear clean and classy.
5. Anthony Weiner knows how to make an exit. One of Weiner's best attributes is that he truly doesn't give a care in the world. Rather than give a boilerplate concession speech, pat the city on the back for being so wonderful, and then leave in a graceful strut through the front door, he left the campaign trail like a cat jumping out of water. Weiner sprinted through a McDonald's in order to avoid the omnipresent to Sydney Leathers, who dropped by (what would have been) the victory party unannounced, and, upon getting into his car, flipped the bird to every reporter in sight and drove off. He was never seen again.
6. He's essentially married into the Clinton family. This is, of course, through his marriage to Huma Abedin, Hillary Clinton's long-term aide to whom she once referred as a "second daughter." When I made the case last month that Clinton will likely run for president in 2016, I pointed out that she would be able to use the Weiner scandal in her favor by painting Abedin as an innocent victim of campaign crazies and shedding the "D.C. establishment" vibe she currently touts. The relationship would also be fodder for Republican outlets, making for great entertainment everywhere we look.
If you don't think these are good reasons to ask for a recount in the New York City mayoral race, you're probably Bill de Blasio.