Written By: Sharon Blake
I used to wonder why I always felt a feeling of uneasiness. A sense of overwhelming sadness would take over me and fear that would rise up in my chest sending my heart into working overtime. I had no control over these sensations when they started. Many times, I would end up in the emergency room or in my doctor's office. I was under medical care so much that I believe I could have hooked up the EKG machine myself. Sometimes, I could see the look of worry written over the faces of my children because they had no idea what was wrong with their mom. I was a wreck!
I hired a therapist who informed of my issue. I was having anxiety attacks and I never knew it. I was told my problem was in my mind and that my body was reacting to what my mind was telling it to do. This confused me so I asked for clarification. She started to take me back to my past. I remember living in uncertainty and fear even as a child. I started to remember how I would feel when my step-dad would come home night after night drunk. We would all feel scared. As a child, I never knew how strong the impact of these experiences would have in my adult life.
On my road to healing I discovered just how much my feelings of anxiety and uncertainty tainted my happiness. When I felt fear or nervousness my mind would subconsciously catapult me into a place of my past. My body would immediately go into "fight or flight" mode -- which is a psychological response to ones perceived harmful event, attack, and or threat of survival. I know it sounds crazy but it is real! I would feel fear and then my mind's perception would kick into overdrive because it perceived more danger than was actually currently taking place. The only way to overcome anxiety is to find out what triggers it.
Also during my time in working with a therapist, I learned I was gravitating toward the same toxicity that caused me anxiety because of its familiarity. People like "the familiar" and gravitate towards things or individuals that are familiar even if those things and people are toxic. Though this may seem strange, having a negative life is what felt comfortable to me. I gravitated towards relationships that kept me feeling uncertain. The anxiety I suffered due to uncertainty was ruining my life but I did not care. I would subconsciously find ways to feel that uncertain feeling because it felt comfortable. My common sense told me to stay from anything that gave me bad feelings, but on the other hand, I believed I had a need to feel pain.
My thought processes were in total contradiction of one another and it was causing my anxiety to spiral was out of control. My mind was constantly in battle and this battle fueled my anxiety day by day. For example, if someone dependable and reliable came into my life, I pulled away from them. Why? Because my mind viewed them as unfamiliar so it rejected the sense of reliability that should have given me a sense of stability. I wanted stability but I never experienced it so I rejected it. The only things I could remember were all of the chaos and calamity I went through. Happy times were few and far between according to my memory. I only gravitated towards those individuals who were just as unstable as I was. Both my romantic relationships and platonic friendships suffered because of this.
When anxiety starts manifesting in my body, I take a few moments to figure out what is causing it. I ask myself: What am I feeling? Is this feeling due to my present or does it remind me of a past experience? Is this feeling valid? Does this situation validate the emotion my body is trying to produce? Asking myself these questions helps me to identify the truth about my circumstances and aids me in tapping into my emotions. It is important to identify what it is that you are feeling so you are able to gain control over your mind and body.
Our thoughts are very powerful and they create our realities. We cannot allow random thoughts to roam around in our minds; we must begin to recognize and stop negative thoughts and emotions from taking over. We can be free from toxic thoughts but it will require a mental work out.
Sharon is a mother of three children and "nana" to four grandchildren. Sharon herself has overcome some major barriers in her life, she has been homeless and is an ex-addict, ex-prostitute and a domestic violence survivor. The person she became originated from her childhood and would require a major overhaul of her thoughts, will, and her emotions. Her desire is to promote hope and healing to those who need hope and healing. Sharon's life would not be her life without the love of her father Jesus Christ, to him she owes more than she can give. This is her way of giving her life away, by being transparent in order to help someone else.
She is an author, Huffington Post blogger, AA degree in Human Service Management, and a Chemical Dependency Trainee Certificate through the state of Washington. Her work with the homeless/addicted population has inspired her to share her story, this is where she recognized the importance of being transparent in helping others.
Sharon's New Best Selling Book The Thought Detox; Breaking Free From a Negative Thought Life is available on Amazon.
Please visit Sharon @ mylifchronicles.org for The Thought Detox Program if you need help breaking free from your negative thoughts.
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