Photo: I.Rimanoczy
A couple of days ago, I had a strange day. It started with an unusually rough reply I received to an email that from my perspective hadn't been provocative. It continued with a transaction over the phone, where the customer service person was impatient and wanted to state clearly what he was willing, and what he was not willing, to do... in a tone that was not informative, but feisty. Later on, the same day, a friend changed a trivial agreement we had made, but the way it was communicated was unusual.
I am not making judgments about the context behind each of the interactions -- I want to reflect on their unusual tone. What could have been just another annoying experience however became interesting to reflect on as I noticed a pattern in the interactions. Over the next several hours, a few more stories added to the collection. I shared with a friend my observations of the interactions of the day, and she nodded with surprise, sharing that for some days she also had encountered extremely impolite, angry, and challenging reactions to what, in other moments, would have been regular interactions. As we were trying to describe the tone of the interactions to each other, we found that we both experienced situations where the other person was 'making the point', as if attacked, defending themselves from an aggression that we didn't think we caused. What was going on?
Then I listened to the podcast of an interview with Dr. James Doty, a professor of neurosurgery at Stanford University, who studies the brain and behaviors, particularly the connection between thoughts and feelings, ideas and compassion or altruism. Discussing the concept of neuroplasticity, the built-in capacity of our brains to continue learning and developing new ways to react and behave-- to the point of altering the cellular biology -- he discussed studies about emotional contagion. When we have a compassionate response to a situation, it creates in the receiver a disposition to act in a compassionate way herself, both with the same person or with others. What the schoolboy in the movie Pay it Forward was creating (inviting people to intentionally do three random acts of kindness, inviting the receiver to do it in turn to others) is actually built into our biological system, only in unconscious ways. And not only this, but our compassionate act has an impact beyond the receiver, on others that witness it, see, hear or read about it. In other words, we are sending out a particular message that alters not only the person receiving the gesture, but others, even across geography and across time. An amazing opportunity.
Of course, this mechanism of emotional contagion goes not only for positive attitudes, but also for negative ones, an interesting responsibility which we may not always take into account.
At that moment I connected some dots. I am not a person who regularly watches the news or follows the electoral campaigns that are going on in the USA. But the little that filters through into my life, always leaves me with unpleasant feelings, caused by watching people insulting each other, not appreciating differences but rather using them to diminish and ridicule the other. Candidates seem not to practice the basic rules of dialogue: listen carefully, do not interrupt, build upon what others have said in a respectful way, and acknowledge that there are many ways to frame reality. Instead, they model a communication based on the right/wrong polarity, a zero-sum game where all are trying to be "right" and are prepared to go to great lengths to convince the audience of this. While I am sure every one of them highly appreciates respect or the opportunity to talk without being interrupted, it is not necessarily reflected in their own behaviors. Showing assertiveness to the point of anger, using aggression to defend themselves from real or potential aggressions of any kind, seems to be for some candidates the way to demonstrate control, power, authority, superiority, and the capacity to handle anything. Being angry seems to make a point "right." It draws from our early evolutionary wiring -- the tribal brain, where fight and flight helped the survival of the group. And while we have evolved in many ways, we all still have in us those basic behavioral mechanisms, which come more naturally to some, and may have a reassuring and fascinating effect on others.
And when some revert to that more basic way of being in the world, they may drag along others who in different circumstances would act in a more constructive way. In other words, you are a rational person and like to state your point of view in a calm way. However if you are in a situation where everyone is yelling to be heard, you may take this as the "rule of survival" and simply join the others. Well, not necessarily, because if you are aware of what is happening and recognize from what frame of mind the others are acting, you can choose to chime in - or to offer an alternate way of communicating. I recall many situations when the use of silence or of whispering caused people to quieten down and pay attention.
Developmental scholars tell us there are different stages in our evolution that shape how we make meaning of the world, and condition our behaviors. They range from individualistic stages to those that encompass others; from my needs, to our group's needs, to all of us, to feeling connected to all that is. Partnership, acceptance of differences and compassion belong to more developed stages, and create more egalitarian and spiritual interactions.
So back to the angry behaviors streamed by the media. How do they infect the audience? How do they contribute to perpetuating the political chasm in Congress? Why are leaders acting from those lower tribal brains? In some cultures the leaders were the sages. Was this a way to expand wisdom perhaps? What developmental help are tribal aggressors providing us all? Are they calling out the best of us? Are we happier when we are angry? Do we have better interactions, greater satisfaction, improved health and larger joy?
The problem is the unconscious contagion, when we are not even aware of the "virus" that is making us react like that. We are retaliating from an invisible aggressor that threatened us somewhere else, and projecting our reaction on the next person we talk to.
What a responsibility and an opportunity we have, though. First we need to notice when the contagion is happening. Disown it, "it is not mine," it is coming from someone else and I can choose to take it on as mine or not. Then act from the world of compassion. Be the change you want to see in the world. If pondering this sentence fills you with power and with confidence that it is possible to shape the world you want, the influence we have on others we may never meet, must be real.
Unless you had Gandhi over for coffee this morning.