My client Margaret (who has allowed me to share her tale) has been stuck in a dead-end, emotionally abusive relationship with Colin for several years and is desperate to unstick herself, because she turns thirty-six this fall and her ovaries are impatiently tapping their stilettos.
They whisper to her in the dead of night while she lays next to her sleeping, non-committal, pot-smoking, job-losing, philandering boyfriend: "While his semen is aging like fine wine, we're shriveling up like sun-dried raisins. Get it together, Chica, or there'll be no babies for you!"
Margaret's cycle-of-abuse with Colin looks something like this:
- She pushes him to make a commitment by nagging, complaining, begging, crying, smothering him in anxious, manipulative sex until finally ...
Now he knows how much he needs me. Now he knows how special and important I am.
Now he knows he can't live without me, because only I can help him and love him the way he needs a woman to.
Also, I'm much smarter than him and a much better person in every way. I was right and he was wrong.
Now I can make him change to give me everything I want and deserve."
The death of attracting emotionally healthy relationships is our pride.
Until we can get humble enough to admit we have absolutely no idea what we're doing when it comes to our romantic entanglements there's no way we'll be willing to ask for help.
Some of us can find help for breaking our addiction to toxic relationships with private therapists, some with life coaches, some in the right 12-step programs like Coda (Codependents Anonymous), but until we recognize we're getting an ego payoff every time our man comes crawling back to us, we will continue to do the Dance-of-Death in our dead-end relationship.
Ladies, check your Pride at the door.
Shannon's book, "Addicted to an Asshat? Skip the Heartbreakers & Find 'Real Love' in 14 Life-Altering Steps" will be out in the fall. To make sure you don't miss it opt-in to Shannon's newsletter here.