Test 1: Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy
Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
Leave it there.
After 9 months, remove 5 percent of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children
Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2: Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3: Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
Walk around the living room from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 to 6 kilograms, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
At 10 p.m., put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
Get up at 11 p.m. and walk the bag around the living room until 1 a.m.
Set the alarm for 3 a.m.
As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a cup of tea.
Go to bed at 2:45 a.m.
Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m.
Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up when it goes off.
Keep this up for five years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4: Dressing Small Children
Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5: Cars
Forget the BMW. Buy a practical five-door wagon.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
Take a box of chocolate cookies; mash them into the back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6: Going for a walk
Go out the front door.
Come back in again.
Come back in again.
Go out again.
Walk down the front path.
Walk back up it.
Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps.
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7: Conversations With children
Repeat everything you say at least five times.
Test 8: Grocery Shopping
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9: Feeding a 1-year-old
Hollow out a melon.
Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side.
Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 10: TV
Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
Watch nothing else on television for at least five years.
Test 11: Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.
Test 12: Long Trips With Toddlers
Make a recording of someone shouting "Mommy!" repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each "Mommy." Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13: Conversations
Start talking to an adult of your choice.
Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mommy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14: Getting ready for work
Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
Put on your finest work attire.
Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
Do not change (you have no time).
Go directly to work
You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!