The Blog

Are You Sabotaging Your Chances of Finding Love and Happiness?

Have you ever heard anyone say? He/she's only happy when he's unhappy? Negative feelings can be so familiar that we unconsciously enjoy them.
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

Self sabotage... how many of us do it?

Many of us, actually (myself included). It's an unconscious thing. We're all following our own negative scripts, and no matter what we actually say, we engineer the outcome -- which is the outcome we unconsciously expect and are familiar with, because our actions and words often aren't congruent.

In fact, every time we say "I always attract insecure men," "I always attract people who are married," or "this always happens to me -- he loses interest after a month," it's because we draw these people in unconsciously and engineer the outcome we expect we have to take responsibility for this.

What are we seeking from these people? We are seeking their reaffirmation of a negative belief we have about our self. For example, that we are not good enough, not worthy, not smart enough.

One of my clients went out with a guy who said he wanted to change his life around (he was reckless; an ex-addict with an impulsive personality taking recreational drugs and incapable of any forward thinking/planning). He said he wanted a family and to be part of a stable family unit. He had two children from broken relationships. Not ever being part of a stable family as a child, it was not his comfort zone to be part of one.

She was ready to settle down and have a family and invested over seven months of her life being supportive and giving him chance after chance to change and be the man he said he wanted to be, but he was only ever going to sabotage the relationship and unconsciously make decisions/choices that would give him the outcome he was familiar with; the one that most fitted his script (being left), a script that I believe had been set when he was left by his mom to fend for himself at the age of 15 which, in turn, meant he unconsciously sabotaged his opportunity of potentially being part of a stable family.

Fear of stepping out of his comfort zone into the unknown means he's trapped in his cycle.

So, what was she seeking by allowing him in? She had her own issues with self-confidence and didn't believe she was worthy. It transpired she was also a 'fixer' -- needed to feel needed by fixing someone. After working with her on her issues, she is now in a healthy and happy relationship with someone who doesn't need fixing!

I've worked with people that say they want a relationship, yet they do everything to avoid it. More often than not, it boils down to fear. Fear of letting themselves fall for someone, the loss of control and fear of being hurt. It's unconscious behavior.

For example, people set up dating advice profiles in a half-hearted attempt to be in a relationship. However, they are not wholly committed to dating or finding someone because then they don't put the time and effort that's needed into getting results.

As a nation, we are getting more impatient and we expect everything to happen instantly. The faster technology becomes, the more impatient we get. A dating profile on it's own is not suffice. One then has to make time to look through profiles, contact people and arrange dates, and it is time-consuming. 'I haven't got time,' isn't a valid excuse; we all have the same amount of hours in the day. We make time to do what we want to do and see the people we want to see. We all have choices; they may not be favorable, but we all have them.

So, people sabotage their chances of finding love, usually because they aren't ready to commit to giving someone their time, sharing their life with someone (they've become very independent and some, selfish) fear of being hurt.

A very common self-sabotage is the unrealistic checklist for potential suitors that both some men and women have. Yes, it's good to have standards, but I have a friend who has "non-negotiables," such as 6' 2" minimum height, blonde hair, size 13 shoe... you get the idea. She will never find him, so she will always only ultimately end up on her own.

Have you ever heard anyone say? He/she's only happy when he's unhappy? Negative feelings can be so familiar that we unconsciously enjoy them.

So, if there is something you are not happy with right now in your life, be true to yourself. Are you not changing because you are comfortable being unhappy?

When we align what we say we want with our actions, then that is when we get results. Self-development is the key.

Personally, I never stop growing and learning and I relish it. I am my own project and work in progress.

Of course, certain things happen that are sometimes outside of our control (illness/death). However, aside from these as soon as we take responsibility for everything that happens in our lives, we give ourselves the power to change our life for the better.