Awhile back I interviewed, Julie Gordon White of Grow at the Well on my show The Entrepreneur Experience, where I speak candidly with women entrepreneurs about business, family, and all the cracks in life. I loved speaking with Julie, because she is brilliant, witty and right down straightforward. When I was interviewing her I asked her, "Has your relationship suffered since you are so passionate about your company? Do you actually even see your husband anymore?"
Julie was so direct with me, I loved it. She simply said, "Lane here's the truth, if you're not sleeping with your husband, someone else is!" She continued to tell me how much time and effort she puts into her relationship and how after 20+ years it's still working. What I learned from Julie in that interview was that I will have to work for my relationship; otherwise I might end up not sleeping with anyone.
Her answer has never left me, and it's been months since that interview. It's given me a lot to consider on the topic of being married (which by the way I never thought would be possible, but here I am). There are several reasons relationships go sour, and there are several reasons why a man or a woman will wander from their vows. I want to dig a bit deeper into this topic, and I want to consider how living straightforward changes everything.
Over the years I've had the great chance of meeting and knowing different women who work in the sex industry. My background has placed me in contact with a variety of people, in a variety of jobs which I am grateful for as I don't have a lot of judgment around the topic. When I was younger I was fascinated with the "dancers" and the "call girls" known as the "ladies of the night." At one point I was so fascinated with this whole side of life, I answered a tiny ad in the back pages of the San Francisco Chronicle. I showed up at this loft space down South of Market, and a doorman asked for my ID, he took it, and then knocked on the door. The door slowly opened and we were let inside the dark building. It was creepy. My girlfriend, Lisa, who I was with wanted to make cash and didn't have any morals about using her body to get it. I was there for an experience, as I am an experience junkie. The night ended quickly for me as I glanced over the room to see a lot of tired looking men in grey suits. This was not what I dreamed it would be, and nothing like what I had fantasized about, not one single Richard Gere look-a-like from the movie Pretty Woman!
I am not sure why men seek out other companionship. Is it because they're bored, need more attention, or are just plain selfish?
Perhaps we women are overworked, under-appreciated, and desperate for attention, maybe that's when we wander off the track? And when we wander, he wanders... I think this is something for us to consider. When we forget how important we are, or neglect to stand up for where we're at in our lives we lose track of what's important. I'm not suggesting that we women are out there having affairs, no. What I'm stating is that if you're not being straightforward with your partner, it's not going to be fun. I find it much more necessary and important to stand up for what I want, and what I need in life now that I'm married. Having sex is important because we need it. Our bodies physically, emotionally mentally and spiritually need it. We need the hormone exchange, we need that oxytocin. We need human touch. It's good for us, and our husbands.
Many times when I'm with close girlfriends our conversation will turn to how they are not having sex with their husbands. Whether it be because of lack of time, kids, or "I'm just too tired," they simply aren't "doing it." I usually shake my head and say, "Yes, I get it." I have a friend who is a "High Paid Escort," and she recently reminded me that if married women aren't sleeping with their husbands, she is... I smiled at her because there is a part of me that knows she's right.
I'm here to tell you that in today's world men have everything at their fingertips (and I mean everything!). I don't ever want you or I to be on the end of opening a door, or an email or finding lipstick on a shirt that will change our lives forever because we were lazy, too tired or just didn't want to talk about it. Ladies I challenge you, stand up now, start asking for what you want, start living in your needs. Start sharing your inner secrets; you might be surprised at what happens. Being straightforward doesn't have to mean you're pushy or a bossy pants, it simply means you are stating what you need; and that's some good loving!
Are you asking me... How do I do this? Simple. Tell your husband that you are changing things up, you want get busy with him, I know he will love this. Set a date, every Monday, or every Wednesday and Friday, or once a week, once a month, just get it on the calendar, tell him and make it a priority, set it up and look forward to it. I know that doesn't sound "romantic" but the hell with the romance stuff. This is about making sure that you're sleeping with your husband and no one else is!
Uncomfortable with this thought, or think I'm out of my mind for even considering a calendar, let me know down below in the comments.
Lane Kennedy lives online at Lanekennedy.com where she teaches women the art of getting what they want, having a superstar presence and how not to be an asshole when taking charge of any situation! She lives in San Francisco with her adorable kiddo, husband and Jackson, (her dog the longest relationship with a male!)