When I first met my husband, I tried to ignore him, even though he fascinated me. We met at a dinner party; I thought my friends were trying to match-make us and being the mature and sophisticated woman I am, I avoided him for the entire evening. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of succeeding.
Fortunately, the things we had in common, the soul truths and connections were too strong. When I finally surrendered to the fact he was intelligent, funny and many of his views aligned with mine, we talked late into the night. I went home, alone, and had a dream. I dreamt we'd had dinner together and then the next day met up for a cup of tea. When I woke I realized I could do something we rarely get to do in this life: I could make a dream come true. I rang him. He swears if I hadn't, he would have rung me. We met for a cup of tea. And so my dream came true. There's a longer version of this story in my first book, Sex, Drugs and Meditation.
He was very different to any man I'd ever dated. In my old way of thinking, he was a nerd and a dag; not cool. I believed I should only go out with musicians, writers or artists; men who dressed and acted in a certain way, were mysterious, slightly dangerous and never fully present. It took me some time and effort to relax enough so I could accept him for the way he was. And the way he was, was perfect.
Later, when friends told me to leave him, I had to examine what was true for me, not for them. We all had the belief that a man should provide financially and take care of his wife. My husband had promised he would and though he may have had trouble doing so financially, he was committed to learning how to take care of me in other ways. As I said to my friends at the time, "I can either have an investment property or I can be with the man I love." I made my choice. By the time our financial situation improved, our investment in our marriage had brought us immeasurable wealth in all the ways that matter.
A lot of the beliefs that I have (and probably many of you, too) are drummed into our heads by advertising. The most entrenched beliefs are handed down to us through our cultures; the fairytale ending, the handsome prince, the knight on the white charger, the perfect man. Nothing else will suffice. The man I married was none of these but he was perfect for me. I just had to discard those beliefs and find the truth underneath.
Mary-Lou's new book How To Stay Married is available now. For a free copy of 7 Tips for a Happy Marriage sign up to Mary-Lou's newsletter.