The Onion is out today with some breaking news: "Secretary of Education forced to take up stripping to put nation through school."
Wouldn't that be a hoot.
If you haven't yet, we strongly urge you to give this one a read -- it has some colorful details on Secretary of Education Arne Duncan's "really sexy moves," as strip club regulars "are always asking for more Velvet." Plus, it has a great Duncan visual that we probably aren't allowed to post here.
"I'll admit that stripping is exhausting and at times soul-wrenching, but then I think about 16-year-old John Henderson in Omaha, 11-year-old Stephanie Brown in Houston, and all of the other kids in the nation's 98,817 public schools, and I just want them to have the opportunity to finish high school," Duncan said. "And then I figure if I push it a little farther and rub up against a couple patrons each night, I might be able to get every kid through college."
It gets better -- Duncan has tweeted a cheeky response.
And just so you're aware, Duncan has shown off his dance moves in the past -- check out his Cupid Shuffle with Lowry Elementary School students in Denver from earlier this fall below, beginning at 0:25. Whether that's in line with The Onion's report that his strutting can "really get the crowd going" is for you to judge.
The last several years of school budget crises that have taken a toll on educational programs and opportunities for America's children. The looming fiscal cliff faces 7.8 percent in cuts, and could further threaten nationwide supports for America's children. A Senate report predicts that if Congress doesn't soon provide a solution to the pending automatic budget cuts, Title I funds for poor students, state grants for special education and the Head Start public pre-school program stand to lose $2.7 billion over 10 years. Teacher job losses could amount to 15,000, and as many as 10,000 special education workers could face pink slips.