A-Rod Announces Retirement From Yankees, Enters Santa Anita Derby

2016-08-09-1470749896-6578723-arodsanta.jpg

After a stellar and controversy-fueled career in Major League Baseball, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez announced his retirement. Bidding farewell to the game, he, once again, apologized to teammates, fans and strangers who happen to be passing by for taking banned substances.

In fact, A-Rod admitted to years of taking Trenbolone, a steroid usually taken by thoroughbred horses. Adding, now that his playing days are over, he confirmed he has returned to taking the drug and will attempt to fulfill a lifelong dream to run in the Santa Anita Derby. When asked, how long he thought it would take to prepare for such a grueling challenge, A-Rod replied by stomping his foot six times on the ground, each stomp representing one month.

In related news, A-Rod's plans caused Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds to file paperwork claiming a desire to change their name to Full Count Fleet and Giant California Chrome Dome, respectively.