As Sponsors Flee, The Glenn Beck Show Gets More And More Awesomely Bonkers

I don't have any idea if the ongoing flight of sponsors from the Glenn Beck Show is having any effect on its bottom line, but it sure isn't tempering its content! Yesterday's Glenn Beck show was MAGICAL. I really hope you watched it, and I really hope you watched it in the same way I did: yelling across the room repeatedly at an intern, "What's he saying now? That stuff sounds BONKERS! Is it burning your retinae to look at it? Do you need a hug?" Here's what you missed:


Glenn Beck took to his whiteboard to demonstrate how various words revealed a disturbing hidden secret about the Obama administration. It sort of went something like this: Gimme an "Obama!" Gimme a "left!" Gimme the word, "international!" Gimme some "graft!" Here's the reference to "ACORN" that I am contractually obligated to mention once a show! Gimme a "revolutionaries!" Followed by "hidden agendas!" And now, give me a "Y," because surely, the world is staring at Glenn Beck and asking themselves, "Why? Dear God in Heaven, why?" What do you get when you take the first letters of those words and spin them through your Little Orphan Annie decoder rings? "OLIGARHY!" This is NOT A WORD, in any language on the planet Earth.


OMGZ! Have you heard that Obama is fashioning himself a private Army, made up of Americorps volunteers? It's true! And who hasn't gazed upon the average gaggle of Americorps volunteers, fresh and clueless from college, and thought to themselves: "From this raw material, I could surely fashion a brutal cadre of fearsome shock troops that will finally bring Western civilization to its knees!" The mere prospect of such a thing happening led Beck to compare President Obama to Saddam Hussein, underscoring the way Hussein attempted to tyrannically "adopt" all of Kuwait's highways.

First, Americorps came for the seniors, and I SAID NOTHING, because it turns out Americorps was just bringing them food, listening to them tell stories about their childhoods, and promising to visit them and stuff.


Nothing really beats Glenn Beck when he goes on a full-tilt victimization binge. Here's how he ended his show, or so our intern tells me:

BECK: I'm tired of being a sheep. I'm tired of being a victim. I'm tired of being pushed around. You know what? The gloves come off.

I have no idea who is pushing Glenn Beck around! He gets his very own television show and radio show and book deals and he gets to say whatever in the world he feels like saying and people give him millions and millions of dollars for it. He can have, if he wants, his very own pony at his gigantic and secluded manse to ride on whenever he wants and can hire someone to bake him delicious funnel cakes any time he likes! These are the hard won perks of being a celebrity, earned from having a dedicated fan base.

Nevertheless, today, the gloves come off! A preview: the hands underneath those gloves will be free of callouses and as soft as an infant's tush!

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