Dear Average Conservative Blogger,
I encountered a
fascist liberal the other day…or are they communists? Socialist Nazis? I always
forget, anyway… When this man asked me about my position on health care reform,
I wasn't in front of the cable TV, so I couldn't remember what my opinion was!
Get a small
TV implanted in the thumb of your right hand so you'll always have a pundit's
opinion (i.e. your opinion) nearby! If you can't afford this, then tattoo
Michelle Malkin's most recent blog post on your forearm; don't worry, it'll be
short and easy to spell.
If you really believed that the war
in Iraq was the
most important cause in defending our country's freedom as you said in your
post Who Needs Evidence When You Got A Blog? then why were you blogging so much about it rather than
enlisting in the armed forces?
This is just like a
liberal, granola-excreting, cell-phone-eating, Hollywood intellectual! You
people are always using weapons of mass discourse like 'logic' and 'fact' in
order to support an 'argument'. Quit worrying about why my able-bodied self
doesn't enlist and start worrying about the fact that you're late for a chai latte meeting with Susan Sheehan and Farrah Fonda!
And since we're on the subject of
the liberal media, answer me this; why is Michael Moore so fat? Huh?! Yeah, I
I just wanted to say that I really
enjoyed your blog post entitled One Baby,
God's Vote. And although I didn't quite understand why you told people to
keep their kids home from school when Obama gave his speech, I listened anyway.
I'm proud to say that my kids did not go to school on that day and I will keep
them home from school everyday for as long as it takes!
I wish all my fans were as strong
as you. Congratulations on educating your child against the liberal education
conspiracy! And by the way, I did
sneak into an elementary school to hear that speech, and it was completely inappropriate
for children. I couldn't understand a word of it.
May I Use Your Bathroom? I
really gotta go…number 2.
You flipper-handed kooks have
crossed the line here! If you need to go to the bathroom, then why don't
you get a copy of that anarchist rag you run, The New York Times, and use that as toilet paper! Actually, I've got a
copy of the NYT right here that you can—oh, wait, that's the new Latin
Inches, I still need that …
You gotta go to the bathroom?! Go
in Central Park! Didn't you homeless people earn outdoor
bathroom privileges in the 80s along with the gays? HA! I associated
you with the gays! Who says conservatives are incapable of having a sense
of humor?! (ps, I adore your handle.)
You asked for proof that health care reform won't increase
the deficit. Well, honestly, I don't mind paying for health care reform with my
own taxes or increasing the deficit. The projected amount will cost less than
the amount of tax revenue cuts on the country's richest Americans implemented
under the most recent Bush administration, and I didn't get anything from that.
Come to think of it, I didn't get anything when the banks got their $350 bn
bailout either; at least here I'm going to get something out of government
expenditures. So I'm actually ok with it.
Woah! Got any 9/11 "Truther" meetings coming up there, pal?
You actually didn't address what I said… I didn't even
Yeah, buddy, alright, don't come crying to me when you can't
get your swine flu shot because Jorge needs a new pair of bionic knees! (That's right, I'm not afraid to talk straight.) I'll
see you at the Darwin Conference on Australopithecus Patchoulius next year, loony tunes. (Hey, you ever wanna stump a liberal? Just ask them: "If 'evolution' is true… then how come I'm not a
monkey?" The look of dumbfounded confusion on their face is priceless!)
Dad, I really want to see you, please. I've shown you my birth certificate, why won't you answer my phone calls?
Nice try...but I know that my daughter was only 4 years old when I left her on that playground 23 years ago! According to yet another obviously faked birth certificate, you're 27 years old, so I've, I've...oh christ.
I'm a terrible person.
Ronald Reagan, Robert McNamara...bring me home, boys...